Between the Pavement and the Stars

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose...

2012-01-27T09:50:00.000Z

So I'm just after reading the introduction to the complete Works of Shakespeare (published 1623), and what's this I find in the front?

An introduction written by the editors asking people to please stop reading it in the bookshop and just buy the damn thing already.

Nanna

2011-12-26T22:50:00.001Z

I said goodbye to my Nanna this evening.

For a significant part of the evening she thought I was called Bill, but that's neither here nor there. Bill, I told her, was a perfectly good name, and would be just fine for tonight.

Mostly, though, we just sat companionably watching the Christmas television. She was a bit concerned for a while about EastEnders, but after we'd confirmed in response to her questioning that it was definitely fiction, she was just fine with that.

Most of the time I just sat down by the side of her wheelchair and held her hand.

Mum and Dad were there too. We ate leftovers from yesterday's dinner in front of the television, and watched the soaps, and had a drink or two. A pretty standard Christmas all told.

Occasionally Nanna would look down, and be surprised that I was there. Because there you are, sitting in your wheelchair, dozing off mostly and occasionally seeing something interesting on the telly, and you'd suddenly realise that there was someone holding your hand and who was it?

But it was all right. Because she'd look down at me, and I'd smile up at her and say "I love you, Nanna," and she'd smile back at me, a huge great smile that meant more to me than anything and say "Love you," and that would be fine.

Because that's all you need, really. To know that someone in this world loves you, even if you're not really sure who they are any more.

She's not eating much. A couple of pieces of cheese, each smaller than a die. A quarter of a slice of bread, with a little bit of butter on it. Tried a little bit of Southern Comfort, which was her favourite Christmas tipple once upon a time, but didn't fancy that much - too sweet - so we settled on a brandy and ginger ale, perhaps a shot glass's worth. And that was mostly ginger ale.

But it was nice to have a Christmas drink with her again.

I don't think Nanna and I will be able to spend another Christmas together, and that makes me sad. But all things have their end, and we sat together today and watched Morecambe and Wise. "I like them," she told me. And so do I. So we had a lovely Boxing Day, the four of us, and I can't think of a better way to have spent it.

I love you, Nanna.

Our First Broadsheet Review

2011-12-19T13:24:00.003Z

And it's a good'un, too.

Today's Times has a short review in the Arts section for Hans Christian Andersen's Fairy Tales.

"My three-year-old [...] also enjoyed the low-theatre approach of Red Table Theatre's retelling of some of Hans Christian Andersen's Fairy Tales (three stars, at the Pleasance, N1 - and strictly speaking for ages four and over). With some changes in costume, the odd bit of puppetry and a few bursts into Danish song, the cast of four make these tales come to life."

If you have a subscription you can read the review on the Times website - or failing that you could, you know, go out and buy a paper. That would work too.

The show runs until New Year's Eve, and you can buy tickets from the Pleasance website.

A Christmas that's Just So

2011-11-24T17:12:00.005Z

And the last theatrical Christmas announcement this year (unless someone is putting on a production of mine in secret somewhere and hasn't told me about it) is that Red Table's production of The Just So Stories, as seen at this year's Edinburgh Festival, is going to be touring to St Albans this Christmas.

Here are some reviews of the production from Edinburgh.

The show is playing at the Trestle Arts Base in St Albans from Sunday 18 December to Tuesday 20 December, and tickets are £10 for adults, £8 for children, and £32 for a family ticket.

Find out more and book tickets at the Trestle Theatre website.

A Dickens of a Christmas

2011-11-20T14:24:00.000Z

I'm pleased to be able to say that my adaptation of A Christmas Carol will be on again this year, this time in a production by the City Lit Rep Company.

This is the third production of A Christmas Carol in four years, so I must've done something right. Oh, and you can buy the script from the sidebar to the right, should you be so inclined.

There are four performances - three evening shows on the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd December 2011 at 7:30pm, together with a 2:30pm matinee on December 3rd - and tickets cost £8, a pound of which goes towards the student scholarship fund.

Book tickets here.

A Fairy Tale Christmas

2011-11-11T10:14:00.000Z

After taking The Just So Stories to the Edinburgh Festival this year, where we made a profit...

(I'll just let you take a moment to let that sink in. We made a profit. At Edinburgh. Yes, our shows really are that good.)

...I'm pleased to be able to say that tickets are now on sale for the Red Table Christmas show.

We're working once more with our friends at Pleasance Theatre, and this Christmas we're bringing the magical fairy tales of Hans Christian Andersen to the theatre.

The show runs from 6 December 2011 to 31 December 2011, and tickets cost £9 for adults and £7 for children.

You can book your tickets online or by calling the Pleasance Box Office on 020 7609 1800.

A hundred little things

2011-10-06T11:22:00.003+01:00

I'm typing this on a MacBook Pro. It used to belong to my housemate, and now it's mine.

It makes my life better.

My previous desktop computer was my first Mac - one of the early Mac minis - and is so old that it can't play video from YouTube any more, and hasn't been able to for some time. Occasionally over the years I've had enough money to replace it with a PC, but held out for a new Mac instead.

I've had a few conversations now with PC-using friends who've asked: Why a Mac? It's just a computer. It does exactly the same things as a PC, but it's twice the price.

Up till now, I've never been able to answer that, other than with "Well, it's just better." Which is no answer at all when you come to think about it.

Until I realised that it's not just one thing.

The power cord on the computer has a tiny little magnet in it. When I need to plug the computer in, it guides the power cord into the slot. A tiny, insignificant detail, that adds to the cost, makes it more expensive.

But every time I plug in my computer, it's just a little bit easier for me. A little bit nicer. Saves me a second or two hunting for the plug.

Every day that I use this machine, my life is improved.

It's not by much. But it doesn't have to be much.

Another example.

I work at a window, looking out across the city. Except, traditionally, when there's been bright sunlight outside, at which point I've had to close the curtains and work in the dark because of all the reflections on my screen.

Not with the new computer. It automatically changes the brightness of the screen so I can always see what I'm doing. I didn't need to ask it to do this. It just does. Making my life a little bit better on a sunny day.

Or there's the accent keys. If I need to type an é on the MacBook, I just hold down the e key, and it gives me all the accent options. In Windows, that's ALT-130. Not much, unless you have to remember or look it up every time you need to type an accent.

Or the migration. When I switched it on for the very first time, it asked me if I had a Mac already, told me to plug the two together, and copied everything across for me. All my settings, all my programs, all my shortcuts. The lot. An hour later, I could start working again, with everything set up the way I like it and where I expected it to be.

Or the trackpad. When I was using it, I swiped with two fingers instead of one, and found that it scrolled the page. Within minutes, I was able to move through documents more quickly and easily.

And, sure, all of these things are small individually. But they add up.

A few years ago I got my first iPhone. I opened the box and looked for the operator's manual.

There wasn't one.

And the amazing thing was, I never needed one. A couple of minutes with the iPhone and you can tell what to do. It just works.

(My brother is currently berating himself for not being able to work his new HTC phone, which does come with a manual. Claiming that it must be his fault for not understanding it properly. A telephone should not make you feel stupid. A telephone should make you feel smart.)

One more story.

Previous to the iPhone I had used Nokias for many many years. I bought a new Nokia to replace one which had broken. Shiny, touchscreen. I also got the insurance that came with it.

Within a month the screen cracked. In my pocket.

I hadn't dropped it, or done anything unusual to the poor thing. And all of my phones before and since have been able to travel in a pocket without shattering.

So I got in contact with Nokia who said that they could replace everything except the screen. Wasn't covered by the guarantee. Couldn't do anything.

So I called the insurance. Who said that because this had happened more than a month ago and I hadn't told them immediately, they wouldn't replace it. (And, no, talking to Nokia rather than them didn't count.) Should've read the terms and conditions.

I changed networks and bought an iPhone.

More than a year later, some pixels had gone on the display. I booked an appointment in the Apple store on Regent street and took it in to see someone at the Genius Bar to see what was up, pay to get it fixed. They took a look at it, consulted with their computer, and told me that the guarantee had expired last week.

And then they turned to me with a big smile and said: Tell you what, I'll just replace the screen anyway.

It's not just one thing. It takes a hundred little things to make something beautiful.

Steve Jobs RIP
1955-2011

Translation Difficulties

2011-10-04T11:51:00.000+01:00

So Joseph Mallozzi and Paul Mullie are no longer involved with the Transporter TV series.

I think that's a shame. I'm a fan of all of the Stargate series, and their scripts have always been among my favourites.

Klaus Zimmermann, one of the producers on Transporter, credits Mallozzi and Mullie as having been showrunners and says in the article "In America, the rule is 'One show, one showrunner.' But that wasn't the case for Transporter - it was a collective effort."

Now, think about that for a moment, and you'll see that it has to be incorrect. Unless somewhere along the line there's a True Democracy involved in making the final decisions about productions, then someone, somewhere, has the power to say yes or no.

(Even if no-one's officially in charge, at the end of the day there's going to be a person on set or in the office, somewhere at the sharp end of production, who actually makes the final decision on what or what not to do.)

Which makes me think that the problem here may be one of translation. As mentioned in a previous blog post, the US definition of a showrunner is the person who makes all of the creative decisions.

But in the US, that person is almost always a writer, and specifically the lead writer on the show in question. Which can sometimes lead to people outside the US thinking that if you're a lead writer you're a showrunner, and vice versa.

So it seems to me entirely possible that Messrs Mallozzi and Mullie were told that they'd been hired to be showrunners - and then only later found out that they were actually lead writers.

Which does, then, beg the question: who's actually running the show?

Curtain Up

2011-08-03T12:30:00.000+01:00

Due to the magic of computers, this post will be published at exactly the same time as the audience are seated and the lights come up for The Just So Stories in Edinburgh.

The show runs twice a day from today until the 29th August, with two days off on the 10th and 22nd.

We've got a great cast, four great stories, and a great venue.

Now all we need is a great audience.

Book tickets here.

When come back, do not bring pie.

2011-07-20T21:16:00.003+01:00

So m'learned colleague Natt has blogged about the recent fracas in the Commons Select Committee.

For those who missed it, here's what happened:

Rupert and James Murdoch were answering to a Commons Select Committee about what was known by them about phone hacking at the News of the World, and the possibility of a cover up within that organisation. Several fascinating things came out.

Towards the end of that questioning, some fucknut attempted to put a shaving foam pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. Not only did he fail, he was roundly slapped by Wendi Deng, Mr Murdoch's wife.

Good.

Natt's opinion, given in full here is, as far as I understand it, as follows:

1. Oh go on. It was just a little bit funny.
2. There are other problems with that select committee which you should get more angry about.

Taking them in order:

1. No, it wasn't.

Hitting an 80-year-old man in the face with a custard pie isn't funny. Missing an 80-year-old man in the face with a custard pie isn't funny. Even disregarding the 80-year-old thing, custard pies aren't funny at the best of time, and in the middle of a select committee, interrupting that select committee isn't funny because it's not the time or place.

It wouldn't have been funny if he'd gone up to him and farted, it wouldn't have been funny if he'd mimed, it wouldn't have been funny if he'd stood up in the middle of that meeting and just that moment come up with the greatest Wildean aphorism ever about the corruption of the police and politicians and their terrible co-dependence on tabloid journalists.

It wouldn't have been funny if he was Bill Hicks himself come down from heaven with a new routine that was better than all his others put together.

Because there's a time and a place for everything. And a Select Committee interrogating Rupert and James Murdoch about the possible criminality of their company and how endemic it may have been is not the time or place for an interruption of that manner.

2. The interruption really and truly is the thing to get angry about.

Now, it's entirely correct that the committee (with the notable exception of Tom Watson) weren't the greatest interrogators ever.

But that does not excuse interrupting an event in which the Murdochs, let us not forget, were being held to account.

Now, you could certainly claim that they weren't being held to account well. That's your right.

It is not your right to interrupt that event because you don't like someone there.
It is not your right to interrupt that event because you hate or despise someone there.
It is not your right to interrupt that event because you wish to show that they, too, are only human.
It is not your right to commit an act of surrealism to expose a surreal process.

None of these excuses matter.

They were being held to account, and you stopped that.

It gave Murdoch the chance to read his prepared statement. It gave people sympathy for Murdoch. For fuck's sake, it gave me sympathy for Murdoch.

Maybe it wasn't going as well as you liked, maybe Murdoch really is the evil man that you see in your head every waking hour, but that doesn't matter.

Because we have a fucking process. It's what separates us from the fucking animals.

Due process was being followed. Justice was being done, and being seen to be done.

And then, at the end of it, some fucknut comes up with a shaving-cream pie and proves his disrespect, not just for Rupert Murdoch, but for every single person who thinks that, yes, maybe justice can be done. Not instantaneously, but eventually, and correctly, and following due process of law.

So what justice should be meted out to someone with no respect for due process and the rule of law at all?

I'm not usually a believer in eye-for-an-eye justice. It leaves us all blind in the end.

However, if every time Jonathan May-Bowles were to attempt to perform a comedy routine anywhere in the world, someone were to stick a cream pie in his face?

I wouldn't be in the slightest bit sad.

Still wouldn't be fucking funny.

The Storyteller General

2011-07-14T18:57:00.004+01:00

We've got an exciting new event from Red Table this coming Saturday as The Storyteller General will be telling tales to children in the snuggle pit at the Pleasance Islington's Big Day Out.

Tickets are available now, or buy them on the day.

Open Book Theatre

2011-07-03T17:55:00.007+01:00

M'brother Rafe and I will be talking at RADA next Saturday (9th July) about Open Book Theatre.

The event's being held under the auspices of the Directors Guild of Great Britain, with support from the Mackintosh Foundation. I believe that DGGB members get first dibs on the tickets, but that any spare ones will be allocated to members of the public.

We'll be talking about, among other things:

What is Open Book Theatre?

Contracts, Unions, and best practice

Involving cast and crew in the process

How we raise a production budget

How we pay investors back with interest

How profit share works in this system

The benefits of Open Book to production companies

Can the model be extended to other applications, like film?

Reality vs Theory - what we learned, what we plan to do, and expensive lessons we'd like to help you to avoid

So if you'd like to come along, book your free ticket here.

The Just So Stories at the Edinburgh Festival

2011-06-14T15:44:00.005+01:00

It's my absolute pleasure to be able to tell you two things.

Firstly, that Red Table made a profit on our recent production of The Just So Stories at the Pleasance Theatre this Easter.

A Fringe Theatre show? Not losing money? Inconceivable!

As it turns out, when you're involving actors and crew using the Open Book Theatre model, that word does not mean what you think it means.

Every investor has made their money back. Together with a 10% return on their investment.

Every actor and crew member involved in the production has been paid a share of the money that we made, in a clear and open manner.

To say we're happy with this result is an understatement. It's proof that this new model works. That people involved in fringe theatre don't need to lose money.

Which leads us to announcement the second:

The production has been so successful that we're taking it up to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year, once more with our friends at the Pleasance.

The Just So Stories will be showing twice a day at 12:30pm and 2:45pm in The Green, the giant igloo at the heart of the Pleasance Courtyard (that's venue 33, fringe-fans), one of the largest venues in the Edinburgh Festival, with over 450,000 visitors expected across the course of the festival.

The auditorium only seats 60 parents and children, so if I were you I'd book early. Tickets are available now from the Pleasance Box Office or by calling 0131 556 6550.

Still not convinced that this is going to be one of the best shows at the festival? Take a few minutes to read the reviews of the Easter production.

And I hope to see you there.

Tuppence a bag

2011-05-25T16:53:00.005+01:00

If you look over to the right there (NB - this may not work if you are reading this in the future and the post has been piped telepathically into your brain), you'll see there's a link to a screenwriting forum.

It's called Feed the Birds, and is designed to be a helpful resource for professional and emerging screenwriters.

As well as a good way to procrastinate. Cos we all need more of those, right?

There's a lot of good info in there already, like whether or not to join the Writers' Guild and what to look for in deferred payment contracts and the use and abuse of flashbacks, but it's been a bit fallow recently.

So I thought it might be a good idea to mention it over on the left here, and remind everyone it's still around. (NB - The left is what we used to have when humanity was still instantiated in the physical world instead of quantum decollapsing brain crystals.)

So, anyway, if you want to check out a forum for professional and emerging screen and theatre writers, why not pop over and say hi?

The Permission Scream.

2011-05-17T10:34:00.004+01:00

I'm finally surfacing again after doing a full-time job at the same time as producing The Just So Stories for the last couple of months.

There'll be a full update about me-me-me shortly, but in the meantime, why not feast your eyes upon the new trailer for upcoming British horror flick Stormhouse:

Stormhouse is written by the lovely Jason Arnopp, directed by the lovely Dan Turner, and has music by the lovely Sam Watts.

It's entirely probable that everyone else who worked on the film is lovely too, but I can't speak to that.

I was lucky enough recently to attend the test screening of the film. You can read more about what happened that night over at Arnopp's gaff, but there's one moment I want to talk about in particular.

About five or ten minutes into the film, there's a big scare. It's the first of many, but this is the one I want to concentrate on.

It made me jump in my seat, and it made the woman sitting behind me let out a loud scream.

Now, if you're ever doing standup comedy - and especially if you're the first act on or you're doing the whole thing yourself - one of the first things you need to do is to get a laugh out of the audience.

It's called the Permission Laugh.

The first laugh tells everyone: it's OK. You're here to be entertained, and this person can do it. You don't have to just sit there and smile wryly at the gags. It's OK to laugh out loud. You're in safe hands.

Once you've got the Permission Laugh, all of the others are easier.

So as I fell back onto my seat and heard the woman behind me let out a loud scream, I thought:

It's OK.

I'm in safe hands.

Open Book Theatre

2011-03-28T00:24:00.006+01:00

My little theatre company made the front page of The Stage this week.

For those of you too far from a newsagent to pick up a copy for yourself, or who live in the future where paper is considered a barbaric relic of our savage past, you can also read the article online.

As you'll see, what we're creating here is nothing less than a new business model for fringe theatre.

We call it Open Book Theatre.

The concept is very simple: everyone in one of our productions gets to see the accounts. They know what we're aiming for. Where the money's coming in. Where the money's going to.

There's no longer any need for the cast and crew in a profit-share show to suspect that someone who isn't them is coming away rich, because now all the information is available to them. And if they can find better ways of doing things, they let us know and we do it.

And everybody wins.

Open Book Management has been around for many years now. I first came across it about a decade ago in Jack Stack's book The Great Game of Business (which is still an excellent introduction to the idea). But as far as we know, no-one in the world's ever tried it in theatre before.

That's changed now.

As well as helping promote transparency, we hope to improve conditions for everyone.

We as a company believe that the best thing for anyone is to have a proper union contract. Both of the founders of Red Table are members of the relevant Trade Unions – The Writers’ Guild of Great Britain and Equity respectively – and we recommend that as soon as possible any theatre company should use the contracts recommended by those unions.

But those contracts are still designed for larger productions, and in the case of small fringe productions it may not be possible to guarantee a minimum wage to cast and crew if the production is to happen at all. Instead, what tends to happen is that there are no contracts at all, and no protection.

We believe this should change, and are making the first steps towards this.

You can read the model agreements that we're currently using on our website. Feel free to borrow them, use them, amend them - and let us know what works and what doesn't. So we can improve the process for everyone.

As production on The Just So Stories continues, Rafe's blogging about the open-book part of the process over at the Red Table website.

So feel free to go over there and ask any questions about how it's all working out in practice.

Giant Happy Crab Is Happy

2011-03-22T23:08:00.003Z

Some fantastic news: The Just So Stories - which I produced at The King's Head Theatre over Christmas - is transferring to the Pleasance Theatre for a three-week run over Easter.

The show's going to be better than ever, with a bigger and more comfortable snuggle pit for the children and a brand-new set from which the cast will find exciting items which they'll use to bring to life five of Kipling's best-beloved tales.

Just as with Red Table's first production, The Just So Stories will be run using Open Book Management, meaning that all of the financial and business information about the show will be available to cast, crew, and investors throughout the production period.

Rafe's blogging about the process as we go over on the Red Table website.

There are some exciting things coming up in the world of Open Book Theatre as we introduce this new model to the industry - and there'll be more news about that soon. But not quite yet. Stay tuned...

Tickets are £10, £7 for kids, and are available now from the Pleasance website

The London Screenwriting Gin Festival

2011-03-11T09:20:00.003Z

I went to The London Screenwriters' Festival last year. Successor to the now-defunct Cheltenham Screenwriters' Festival, it's a good way to meet other writers and learn from those already doing well in the business.

I had a great time, met some lovely people, and would thoroughly recommend going.

As you may have seen elsewhere on the Internets, the festival organisers are putting on a short weekend specifically for comedy writers on the weekend of April 9-10.

The going rate is £149. Which is actually good value.

The other thing you might have seen is a lot of people offering discount codes if you buy a ticket. This is an affiliate scheme, so basically you get £25 off your ticket and the blogger gets £25 for themselves.

The lovely Michelle Lipton has decided to donate any money she gets through the scheme to Comic Relief.

Which is nice enough, I guess.

But I don't think you should give money to the children living on the street abroad, or to those in this country suffering from domestic violence and sexual abuse, or to people who are having problems due to mental health issues - which one in four of us will experience at some point in our lives.

Instead, I think you should give your money to me.
And in return, I promise to spend it on gin.

Here's how it works: When you book, use the special code GIN to get a £25 discount on the cost of your ticket. I'll then get £25, which I'll put aside in a special GinTin in the house, and whenever we run out I shall buy another bottle and think of you as I enjoy a perfectly-made slightly-too-strong gin-and-tonic.

I like gin. You like £25 off your festival ticket. How is this not a winning combination?

Of course, if you'd rather give your money to deserving people instead (though why you would want to I have no idea), use the code michellelipton when you check out, and she'll give the £25 she gets to Comic Relief.

And I'll buy my own damn gin.

Why the Dead Island trailer is one of the best short films you'll ever see

2011-02-23T13:00:00.002Z

If you haven't seen this yet, it's embedded below. Watch it now, because there be spoilers ahead. I'll wait.

Right. So, what's so good about that then, eh? It's just a zombie attack done backwards, right?

Wrong. It's a fucking masterpiece of emotional film-making, is what. Let me talk you through it.

Fade in close on an eye. Elegiac music. We don't know where we are yet. Camera pulls back ad rotates to reveal a young girl, blood-spattered, obviously dead, lying on the ground. In the background, out-of-focus, something is flailing about, obviously on fire.

So what we have here is intense curiosity, set up from the get-go. Why is she dead? What the hell is the flailing, burning thing? What's going on here? The audience wants to know more already.

Snap-cuts of a young girl running along a corridor and gasping for breath. First her point-of-view, then an objective point-of-view of her legs running, then the point-of-view of something chasing her as she looks back over. We can't tell if it's the same girl or not until the third shot.

Then, suddenly, shockingly, the girl comes to life, rolls over, and - second shock - starts flying into the air, accompanied by shattered glass. At this point it becomes apparent that time is running backwards.

The first question: Why is she dead? has been answered, and a new question: How did she fall? is posed. We're also gifted our first shot of the location. It's an island, and she's fallen from a hotel window.

Intercut her being chased. This time we can see her pursuers - half a dozen men stumbling after her. Out of focus. Again, we can't see them.

The glass re-assembles, and we see her grab onto a man's back, presumably her father, who is swinging her around.

At this point we have our first chance to put together a theory about what's going on - look at his mouth there. We can't see what he's doing, but the mouth is in the right shape for laughter. He's swinging around in a hotel room, with his daughter on his back. It's a game that's gone wrong, she's let go and smashed through the window. Note how the blood disappears behind them as they twirl, so that this way, in reverse, it looks like they're laughing and playing, a happy family.

The chase continues, and this time we see the pursuers. Still stumbling, close behind her, gaining. It's obvious now that this happens before the reverse-time incidents.

In the hotel room, from out of shot, people come back to life. They're using the fact that time's running backwards to show dead people coming back to life - a major signifier of zombie films. Confirmed factually as we start to see more of the people in the hotel room and the chasers are all covered with wounds. The wider shot of the hotel room shows that it's covered in blood spatters.

Again, we see the father and daughter, and as they continue to twirl it becomes obvious that he's covered in his own blood, because she's biting into his neck. Denial of the previous image and the play-gone-wrong theory, opening a new story - they're not playing, she's trying to tear his throat out.

New character introduced - a woman with a knife, glanced at previously as she came out from under a wave of bodies, now watching the father and daughter with an expression of horror. Obviously wife. The daughter jumps backwards from her father's back onto the bed, with a little bounce. Using again a signifier of family play - jumping on beds - for emotional resonance.

In the jump-cuts, one of the zombies has caught up with the running girl, just outside a hotel room, setting up the (correct) expectation that it's the hotel room we're running the main story in.

The mother looks shocked and terrified, as her child falls back on the bed and stops moving. Again, see how the emotion plays - watching it this way, in reverse, her child has just died and the emotional hit being delivered still works.

In the jump cuts, a zombie has the girl and is pulling her away from safety. Suspense. Will anyone save her? The door opens and bright light floods into the corridor for the first time, signifying safety. We can even see see people's feet, moving towards her for the rescue.

In the hotel room, it's completely obvious by this point that we're in a zombie movie. In the past, the girl screams as she's bitten. The audience re-focusses its attention on the early scenes. All questions have been answered. We know what's happened, and why.

Blood clears from the hotel room; the zombies are pushed out in reverse. One snarls through the door. Reading the film text in this direction, the father and mother have vanquished the monsters. Uplifting feeling, as one snarls through the door which has just been barred with an axe. Again, watch the father's face as the zombies leave. In this direction, that's a cry of triumph as he forces them out, successfully protecting his family. The mother goes to the bed, and we read it as checking to see her daughter is all right.

In the corridor, the father grabs the axe. And now, because he's emerging from the door that he's standing at in the reversed film, the shot juxtaposition says that he's taking the battle to the enemy. The two of them take turns holding their child, and we read that as making sure that she's safe. There's no blood visible when her father holds her, so it reads like she's sleeping.

Then he puts her down, and we see the expression of love on both their faces.

And then the last shot is of him withdrawing his hand completely, leaving her alone.

Finally, the shots of the happy, safe, family.

But we know that time has been running backwards throughout. Watched this way, the emotional experience is that everyone is saved. But rationally, we realise that it's not that way. And it's that terrible juxtaposition between presentation and content caused by time running in reverse that makes this one of the most emotionally moving short films I've ever seen.

Damn it. Crying again now.

Those Panels In Full

2011-02-10T19:31:00.003Z

So here's what I'm down for at Redemption this year...

Friday 4pm - Spies in Science Fiction. There's a surprisingly high crossover.

Friday 6pm - Artificial Intelligence. I actually did a degree in this, back in the day.

Saturday 2pm - Does listening to fans make a show better or worse? If you don't see me after this panel, send a rescue party. Look for the mob with burning torches and pitchforks.

Saturday 11pm - Can video games tell good stories? And how does agency affect the way that stories work? May also include digressions into RPGs, Fighting Fantasy, and Choose Your Own Adventure

Sunday 6pm - Computers in SF More plotty than philosophical, I suspect.

Other than that I will - as usual - be watching other panels, wandering around with a pint in my hand, in the games room, or nattering in the bar.

Redemption 11

2011-02-04T11:33:00.003Z

This is a quick plug for the SF convention that I'll be attending in a few weeks.

It's called Redemption, and is really rather good. There will be many lovely people there, including Guests of Honour Ben Aaronovitch and Simon Guerrier.

As usual, I shall be on a few panels over the course of the weekend. Details here as soon as the programme's confirmed. Feel free to come up and say hello!

The cost is 60 quid for the weekend if you buy your ticket within the next week, rising after that to £65 on the door. More details on their website.

Twitter hashtag is #red11.

It will be bloody marvellous fun, as ever. Hope to see you there!

Everyone's a Critic

2011-01-06T19:38:00.003Z

On my last trip to Mum and Dad's I retrieved a few boxes that had been taking up space there for Some Years. And in one of those boxes, my English homework books from secondary school.

It may not surprise you to learn that I liked to write stories. And those stories were marked. With suggestions for improvements.

I'd like, therefore, to present for your edification and entertainment, some of the very first literary criticism devoted to my work:

"An excellent piece of atmospheric writing, Piers. Well done!"

"Mmm."

"The final lines are the best feature of this illegible over-written melodrama. You can do so much better - now tighten up."

"Some very intricate plots here Piers, and not one of them including a naked lady!"

"A very persuasive piece of writing in which I was pleased to note that you avoided false protestations of modesty" [this for a piece of work which was basically an ad for 'Piers Beckley's Best Ever Novels!']

"Amusing, if rather precocious."

"I don't think this really examines the theme of guilt very well. Also, it would be refreshing if you could explore other settings and not stick to the science fantasy genre all the time."

"If you refuse to take this work seriously, I will be asking you to do it again."

"Need ghost stories involve violence?" [I have annotated the answer 'yes' after this.]

"As always your story is well-written and full of descriptive detail."

"Avoid funny stories." [A D+ for this one]

"I don't think you have taken this seriously, Piers. I don't quite see where vampires come into this tall/short question."

So. Not much has changed, really.

Don't Tell Beckley

2011-01-05T17:35:00.003Z

Over at his blog, the delightful Jason Arnopp has introduced a new feature for the procrastinating writers of this world.

It's called Tell Arnopp, and it works like this:

Whenever you've completed your writing for the day, you email him saying the type of project you've worked on - "World War II Drama" - and the number of pages you've written - "Ten".

(Nothing more than that, mind, just in case he writes something similar one day, and you happen to be a crazy person.)

Arnopp then guarantees that he will read these messages, and will thus become aware of the fact that you've done your work for the day. And you will be aware that he's aware that you've done your work for the day.

You therefore know that someone cares about whether or not you've been writing rather than procrastinating, without you having to write it down on your blog, twitter, facebook, or significant other. Which can be a bit exposing for some people.

He hopes that this will encourage you to write, as if you don't do your pages, somewhere in the depths of his brain he will know. And you will thus be encouraged to write today, and every day from now on.

I'd like, though, to offer an easier alternative. It's called Don't Tell Beckley, and it works like this:

You don't send me a damn thing.
I know that you haven't done enough work today.

My pleasure.

Review: The Just So Stories

2010-12-26T16:06:00.005Z

Hope you had a lovely Christmas Day. Mine was full of Christmas Pudding and Turkey and Family and Wine, and was generally all-round lovely.

I just discovered a review of The Just So Stories in the Hampstead and Highgate Express. You can read it via the Internets using The Ham and High e-edition. It's in the section called etcetera.

Can't be arsed? Here's the short version.

Three stars. "The little ones are entranced throughout."

:)

The show finishes on the 3rd January, so I shall very soon now stop banging on about it and return you to your usual diet of incisive analysis interspersed with bouts of rambling nonsense. Until then, you can buy tickets here.

Can't stop.

2010-12-22T18:17:00.004Z

Updates have been a bit slim recently due to work on The Just So Stories. Who know that producering was such bloody hard work?

I'm having an assistant next time. Definitely.

Anyway, I've just found out that there are a whole bunch of reviews for my adaptation of A Christmas Carol up at the Giant Olive website. Check 'em out here, should you be so inclined.

Sorry, got to run. Hopefully will have a chance to drop a proper bloggy update before the New Year.

Happy Christmas!

Three (that's the magic number)

2010-12-04T13:24:00.004Z

My. I have been busy.

This Christmas, I have no less than three plays on in London.

I'm producing The Just So Stories at The King's Head Theatre.

I wrote the adaptation of A Christmas Carol at the Lion & Unicorn.

And on top of that, my new play The Strange Mésalliance of Arthur Munby and Hannah Cullwick is having a rehearsed reading next Thursday.

So it's all been a bit hectic recently.

Buy tickets for The Just So Stories
Buy tickets for A Christmas Carol

The Just So Stories

2010-11-23T16:59:00.008Z

That's Pau Amma, The Crab That Played With The Sea, as drawn for us by Hannah Broadway. If you look closely, you can see that he is taller than the smoke of three volcanoes!

Tickets are now on sale for The Just So Stories at the King's Head Theatre from December 15 2010 through to January 3 2011.

I'm producing the play, and my brother Rafe is directing - the first production from our new theatre company, Red Table.

£10 for adults, £6 for concessions.

Buy your tickets here. The power of Giant Happy Crab compels you!

On Being a Professional

2010-11-20T11:08:00.010Z

So there's this thing called Amazon Studios.

They've got 2.7 million dollars, and they want to give it away to people who make films, including the writers of feature film scripts. Hooray! You might be thinking. At last, my chance to bypass the gatekeepers, get a little respect, earn money, and have my film made!

Not so fast, bucko. Let's just review a few things. You want to be a professional writer, right? Well the first thing a professional does is find out what the hell they're signing up for.

(Some professionals have agents or managers or lawyers for this, of course. But the point still stands.)

Let's take a quick look at the Development Agreement. Once you submit your script to Amazon, you've signed up to this contract. So it's worth taking a few minutes to find out what you've agreed to.

1. Acceptance

"You accept the terms of this Agreement by clicking to confirm acceptance or by contributing Content to Amazon Studios."

So don't send them one damn thing before you make sure you've read the contract. Thinking you might send them something on the off-chance, something you've had in the back of the drawer for a few years, maybe? After all, what's the harm?

Stop. Put it away. Read on.

2. Purpose of Agreement and Important Transfers of Rights

"If your Content is a Revision, you grant us all rights to the Revision forever and you retain no rights to the Revision."

Revise someone else's project? Everything you do on that belongs to Amazon forever. Whether you get any money for it (f'r'example by winning a competition there) or not.

When a professional relinquishes rights, they get paid for it. You? Nothing.

5. Execution of Further Agreements

"If you do not complete and return Additional Documents within 5 business days after our request, you agree that we can sign the Additional Documents on your behalf and, to make your agreement legally enforceable, you hereby irrevocably appoint us as your attorney-in-fact with full power to execute, acknowledge and deliver the Additional Documents and record the Additional Documents in the U.S. Copyright Office or elsewhere."

No backsies. If you submit a screenplay to them, and they decide to do something with it - whether you like that something or not - you officially become Amazon's bitch.

All you need to have done for this to happen is to have submitted a screenplay to them in the first place. No paper contracts or further signing on your behalf is required.

6.1.2. Right to Use Original Properties and Derivative Works During and After the License Period

"You grant us a worldwide, royalty-free (except as specifically provided in Sections 6.4 and 9 below), non-terminable, sub-licensable, transferable right, during and after the License Period (without exercising the Option), to (a) copy, transfer, stream, sell, rent, make available for download and otherwise exploit and distribute any Original Property you contribute to Amazon Studios and all Derivative Works created during the License Period in any and all media, formats and modes now known or later invented."

Even after 18 months they can still put that script anywhere online they like without giving you any money for it. Or even asking your permission.

6.1.3. Non-Derived Elements

"You acknowledge that Revisions may include elements that are Derivative Works of an Original Property and elements that are not, such as elements that are original to the creator of the Revision or are derived from or based on another source property ("Non-Derived Elements"). As between you and us, we shall solely own all rights in the Non-Derived Elements and have the complete and unfettered right to exploit them in any way we see fit."

You've introduced Sparky the SuperDog and his canine romance into a dull ol' kitchen-sink drama in order to liven it up. Neither the new script, nor the kitchen-sink-drama original version win a competition, so you receive no money whatsoever.

Guess what? Sparky belongs to Amazon now.

They make the Sparky the SuperDog film, which becomes a multinational hit, with toys, several sequels, and a Saturday-morning cartoon series? You don't even get a reacharound.

6.1.4. License Period

"The "License Period" starts on the date you contribute your Original Property, as indicated in the Amazon Studios confirmation of your contribution, and continues for 18 months."

You're giving them a free option for 18 months.

14. No Guild Jurisdiction

"Amazon is not a signatory to any agreement with a collective bargaining organization, including, without limitation, the Writers Guild of America Minimum Basic Agreement or the Directors Guild of America Basic Agreement, and none of the activity conducted in connection with Amazon Studios is subject to the jurisdiction of any collective bargaining organization."

If you're a member of a Union, or indeed any organisation that looks out for you, guess what? You've just signed away any chance you had of them being able to help.

Now, I Am Not A Lawyer. I don't even play one on television. But, fuck me, if I can see so many problems without even having to look very hard, imagine how bad the contract must really be.

Then there's giving a free option for 18 months to Amazon just for sending them a script. As Shel points out here, how would you feel if, say, Paramount got complete rights to your script for 18 months the moment it dropped through their letterbox?

And let's not even get started on the lack of residuals and pension contributions.

Now, the other possibility is that your script is so good it wins the 2011 best script award. That's $100k. (Well, 100k shared between you and anyone that re-wrote it.)

In addition to that, someone else on Amazon Studios makes a film of it which is so good that it wins the 2011 best movie award! And you get 200k of that million bucks, as well! (Well, 100k for you and another 100k shared between you and anyone that rewrote it.)

So if no-one rewrote your script, that's three hundred thousand lovely dollars! Woo!

Stop. Think. If your script is good enough to get $300,000 dollars from Amazon Studios, then it's good enough to sell right now. Only with a back end. And guaranteed rewrites. And a pension. And residuals.

Now, some people will be so desperate to get their screenplays read that they'll sign away their rights without any further thought.

But you won't.

Because you're a professional.

Red Table

2010-11-18T12:41:00.007Z

So I've set up a theatre company.

This has been rumbling on for a while now. M'brother Rafe and myself have had several successful productions already individually - Oliver Twist and A Christmas Carol for me, Dark Tales, Kitty and Damnation, and The Duchess of Padua for him - and we wanted to do some work together.

So together we've founded Red Table, a company dedicated to bringing outstanding fringe theatre to London.

I'm also pleased to be able to announce that our first production will be an adaptation of Rudyard Kipling's The Just So Stories at The King's Head Theatre in Islington this Christmas, from the 15 December through to the 3 January. Rafe is directing the show, while I'm producing.

Rehearsals started on Monday with a - frankly - magnificent cast and tickets will be on sale shortly.

You can find out more about the company, the production, and the cast by visiting the Red Table website.

Revivalism

2010-10-28T17:32:00.003+01:00

My stage version of A Christmas Carol is being revived this year by Giant Olive at The Lion and Unicorn Theatre.

It opens on the 7th December 2010 and runs through to the 15th January 2011.

They're already taking advance bookings, and you can get your tickets here. You might want to book sooner rather than later, as the show sold out on several occasions last time.

The script is also available for your reading pleasure - you can order it via the button on the right of the blog.

More theatre news to come shortly!

(Oh, I'm such a tease...)

We want information. Information!

2010-10-25T10:35:00.004+01:00

M'brother Rafe and I are attempting to put on a play this Christmas. This will be the first production of our new theatre company.

If we can make the figures work, it'll be on in London as a late morning or early afternoon show in December/January this year.

There are a lot of interesting things that we want to do, including something that - as far as we're aware - has never been attempted in Fringe Theatre before. More details on that over the next month or so.

But in the short term, we need some data on what time people would be most likely to go to the theatre in the day.

That's where you come in.

If you'd be so good as to spend a few minutes to answer a short questionnaire, it'd help us immensely in our planning.

Thanks!

Credit where it's due

2010-10-13T12:52:00.005+01:00

Alex Vega has just been brought to the surface as I write these words.

He's the tenth man to have been raised from the mine where he and 32 others have been trapped almost 700 metres beneath the surface for the last 69 days.

No-one has ever been trapped underground for so long before and survived.

A few moments ago, the Chilean president came on television, thanking God for the rescue of these men. Others have also praised God for His help in this matter.

Sebastián Piñera was, of course, incorrect.

It was men who organised the operation.
Men who designed the equipment.
Men who drilled the shaft.
Men who worked day and night for the last two months.
Men who have saved the lives of these 33 people.

God?

He's just the fucker that dropped a mountain on those miners in the first place.

ABC, you and me...

2010-10-02T10:25:00.003+01:00

A challenge I received from Mister Stephen Gallagher for the more bookish among us.

1. Go through the alphabet, and for each letter, think of a book you’ve read that starts with that letter (A, An, and The do not count).

2. You must write down the FIRST book you think of for any given letter.

3. You must have actually READ the book.

4. If you think of a more impressive-sounding book for a particular letter, you CANNOT change to the more impressive-sounding book.

American Gods
The Bitch
A Clash of Cymbals
Danny the Champion of the World
Empire of the Sun
The First Men in the Moon
Grey Lensman
Hunters of Gor
Illuminatus!
Jaws
Kane and Abel
Lucky Jim
The Man in the High Castle
Norstrilia
Oliver Twist
President Fu Manchu (Might have been The Princess Bride. Who knows? But Loli mentioned it to me, so it's not the first one I thought of...)
The Queen of the Damned
The Rime of the Ancient Mariner
The Skylark of Space
Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea
Ulysses
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Watership Down
Xenocide
The Young Visiters
Z for Zachariah

Damn. My roots are showing.

No taggery for this one, it's strictly voluntary, but stick a link in the comments if you do so I can read yours.

Ooh. Look what I just found!

2010-09-20T11:51:00.011+01:00

A sketch show pilot that I worked on last year has made its way onto the Internet.

Splendid.

Splendid - The complete Sketch show! from Dan Turner on Vimeo.

Letters from America: Coffee Mermaid Slut

2010-08-29T14:17:00.004+01:00

a series of occasional emails sent from Los Angeles in the past
originally posted 18 may 2004
--

So there I was in Starbucks the other day, drinking my coffee and thinking about nothing in particular, when I happened to glance at the logo on my cup.

It's a woman, with long hair covering her breasts. She's smiling, and wears a crown.

And what's this to one side of her? A fish tail.

Ah, so it's a mermaid.

But what's this on the other side? Another fish tail.

Oh, I see. So rather than having one tail, she's got a tail in place of each of her legs.

So those things in the gap between her body and legs must be her arms...

Which means that she's holding her legs spread wide apart with a huge smile on her face.

Just for you.

If you have any sort of interest in sex and data (and which of us doesn't, really?), read this.

2010-08-12T13:50:00.000+01:00

OkCupid is a dating site.

It organises matches based around self-selecting data. So you're given a bunch of questions to answer.

What do I think of such-and-such? How important is the answer a potential partner gives to that question to whether I might date them? And so on and so forth.

I know one couple who met and got married via it. No names, no pack drill, but if they want to out themselves in the comments you know who you are.

So far, so lovely.

But as well as matching people by this data, they analyse it. And that's some pretty funky shit.

OkTrends, which is their irregular blog about Stuff, can give you useful information about things like how the camera that your photo was taken on can improve your attractiveness.

Science. In sexy action.

Chewbacca. Riding a giant cute Squirrel. And chasing down Nazis.

2010-07-27T13:42:00.003+01:00

I would be remiss if I did not point you immediately to the location of what is quite possibly the most awesome art commission ever.

Srsly. Up there with the Sistine.

Films I watch again and again

2010-07-25T17:25:00.000+01:00

Tagged by Steve Turnbull, who recently made a list on his blog of films he keeps coming back to again and again. And tagged me to do the same.

My list isn't particularly deep, or clever, and isn't even necessarily a list of films I consider great. The Third Man is missing, as are Aliens, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and many other films I think are essential viewing.

But this isn't a list of amazing films. It's a list of films that I just keep going back to and watching again.

There's no particular order to it; it's just the order that I happened to think of them in. You may wish to read some significance into this, but I don't personally.

Pitch Black
Star Wars: A New Hope
Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi
Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan
Die Hard
Die Hard 2: Die Harder
Frankenstein (1931)
The Bride of Frankenstein
The Princess Bride
The Spy Who Loved Me
The Terminator
Hard Boiled
The Thing
The Quiet Earth
Metropolis (usually the Moroder version, but with the sound off)

I shan't perform any particular analysis on why I keep coming back to these above all others, but I will say I would consider every single one of these films, if you haven't seen them, to be well worth your time.

Now, let's see if I can remember how these meme things work. Oh, yes.

1. Provide a non-exhaustive list of films you'll happily watch again and again;
2. There is no rule 2.
3. Reprint the rules.
4. Tag three others and ask them to do the same.

Tagged: Stephen Gallagher, Danny Stack, and Jason Arnopp

The McGrath Point

2010-07-12T14:03:00.003+01:00

Contains spoilers for the first few episodes of Lost and Firefly.

Denis McGrath is off to Los Angeles. Possibly for good. And his blog, in its current format at least, is going into the long archive.

So as we bid him farewell or au revoir, I want to share something that he brought to my attention many years ago. He called it the commit moment. I think the McGrath Point is catchier.

And, hey, my blog.

It's the moment when you're watching a TV show, and you sit up, and you think: I have never seen that before. The moment when you think, I'm in. I'm committed. I'm going to watch the rest of this now.

I work with people who read unsolicited scripts. A lot of unsolicited scripts. And, when asked what it is that makes a script stand out, makes it irresistible, makes them want to meet the writer and find out more about them and their craft, they all say the same thing:

Show me something I've never seen before.

Might be a character. Might be a world. Might be a moment. But always, it's something new.

Which brings us to the McGrath Point.

In his original post on the matter, Denis talks about Walkabout, the fourth episode of Lost, and the moment at the end where we realise that Locke, in his previous life, was in a wheelchair.

The title itself hides the mystery in plain view. It's a twist that not only puts an entirely new spin on every scene in the episode, it reveals new facts about the island, and the rules of the world.

One moment in the script that makes you think: I've never seen that before.

Joss Whedon does this magnificently in both of the pilots for Firefly.

Towards the end of the first episode, our heroes have been betrayed by their allies. Meanwhile on the ship, a hostage situation has developed. A bad guy has River at gunpoint. She's dead unless the captain does what he says, gives him a ticket out.

And we know how this goes, we've seen it a dozen times before. The hero walks in. There's a negotiation. Bad guy uses his hostage to get away, then does something foolish (usually breaking a promise) resulting in his downfall.

Not here. Mal walks in, shoots the bad guy in the face without breaking stride and the still-warm corpse is unceremoniously dumped out the back of the ship in a well-rehearsed manoeuvre.

Right there. Something I'd never seen before. Something that made me certain I was going to watch the rest of this series.

And he does absolutely the same in the next episode, The Train Job. Big Evil Henchman has been defeated, is captured. And Mal offers to set him free. And he does the Big Evil Henchman speech, the I-will-track-you-down-and-kill-you-all one.

So Mal kicks him into the (running) engine of the spaceship. The next henchman is much more reasonable.

It just takes one moment that you haven't seen before to make a script great.

A long-standing mystery, solved at last

2010-05-28T17:19:00.002+01:00

Back in the day, there was a phenomenon known as "The Curse of the Odd-Numbered Star Trek Films".

It was first noticed in the eighties for films starring Jim Kirk and his buddies and labelled so, because fan-opinion (and I concur in this) is that the odd-numbered films were... well, let's charitably say not as good as the others.

Others would instead go for the words "rubbish" or "terrible" or "so bad I wanted to poke my own eyes out so I would never have to see any more of this". John Montgomery has even helpfully analysed the IMDb scores, and it does seem to be a valid phenomenon.

So I got to wondering, what could possibly correlate?

Well, let's look at the first six films.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture - not written by Nicholas Meyer
Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan - uncredited rewrite by Nicholas Meyer
Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock - not written by Nicholas Meyer
Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home - co-written by Nicholas Meyer
Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier - not written by Nicholas Meyer
Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country - co-written by Nicholas Meyer

Whaddayaknow? It turns out that for all that time, by looking at the films that weren't so good, we missed the fact that it wasn't that the odd films were bad that was the important point - it was that the even ones were good.

And they were all written by Nicholas Meyer.

(Sadly, this analysis falls apart on looking at the Next Generation films. Ah well.)

A short primer on the British Constitution as it pertains to the current situation

2010-05-11T13:20:00.007+01:00

There's been a lot of talk recently about the current hung parliament. Unfortunately there's been a lot of misinformation, even from political commentators, about the Constitution of the UK, and how that should resolve.

So here's a quick guide to the situation.

You vote for a Member of Parliament

You don't vote for a party. You don't vote for the leader of a party. In a general election in the UK, you vote for a single person to represent you in that parliament.

Most MPs belong to a party, which funds their campaign, and expects them to vote along party lines.

If your MP is a member of the Cabinet, they are obliged to vote with the government according to the doctrine of collective responsibility. Otherwise they are free to vote their conscience until the next election - though most tend to vote along party lines, as to do otherwise can invite deselection from the party. And few these days can afford to stand for parliament without party backing.

The sovereign appoints and dismisses the Prime Minister

Her Majesty the Queen is the person who gets to choose the next Prime Minister of the UK.

Not you. Not the press. Not the political commentators on the TV. It's the Queen, and no-one else.

Having said that, she is bound by one particular convention - that the selected Prime Minister must be able to command the confidence of the House of Commons.

In normal times, this means appointing the leader of the party which has an overall majority of seats in the Commons.

There is currently no majority party in the House of Commons

No party won 326 seats or more in the recent election, and therefore we have what's currently known as a hung parliament.

The parties are currently negotiating to see if they can form a coalition. For example, if two or more parties can, together, command 326 or more seats between them, the Queen could call upon the person designated to be the leader of this coalition to form a parliament.

If no agreement can be reached, we will have a minority government

If a successful coalition cannot be negotiated, the Queen will choose the person that she believes would be most likely able to command the confidence of the house. This would most likely be the person whose party commands the greatest number of seats, ie David Cameron. However, without a clear majority, every vote would have to be negotiated with people from outside the ruling party.

Many would claim that this would not be a bad thing.

There is no such thing as an unelected Prime Minister

The person the Queen invites to form her government must be a Member of Parliament. And every Member of Parliament is elected.

The role of Prime Minister is not elected directly in the United Kingdom.

This is all perfectly normal

There have been hung parliaments before. There is no vacuum of power; the current government continues until the Queen invites someone to form a new government and he or she accepts.

It's exciting, especially if you love politics.

But it's not unusual, groundbreaking, market-destroying, terrifying, or any kind of Constitutional crisis.

Letters From America: Dining by Candlelight

2010-04-28T21:41:00.004+01:00

an occasional series of emails sent from los angeles in the past
originally posted 10 May 2004
--

I generally eat at table.

Apparently that's quite unusual these days.

I was raised to have dinner with the family. We would sit down and eat together at the end of the day, and talk about things. My day at school, mum's day at work, the state of the world. Anything and everything.

We'd often have candles on the table.

I think that candlelight is something special. It lights a room differently to electricity, no matter how low or cunningly designed the electric light. Candlelight makes a dinner special. It helps you to talk and think about anything and everything.

In a way, this is because it *is* so different to electric light.

Eating by candlelight sets dinner aside as a special time. It puts you in a different place. Gives you a time to think, and put yourself aside from the day-to-day world.

Changing the illumination changes the feel of a room. Allows some types of thought and discourages others. The conversation you have under a neon tube is different to that under moonlight.

In our culture at large, it seems that candlelight stands for romance. A couple of times I've cooked for male friends of mine and lit candles for dinner. They said "Are you trying to seduce me?"

(Interestingly, none of the female friends that I've cooked for have said this. Perhaps they just assumed that I was.)

In the US, I'm dining on my own most days. And sometimes I'll eat an easy meal in front of the television. Eating rubbish in front of the television is fun. I thoroughly enjoy it.

But most of the time I eat at table, and light a candle for myself.

Eastercon Panels

2010-03-29T09:09:00.006+01:00

This year's Eastercon is almost upon us. Hoorah!

My panels this year are:

Saturday 5pm "Tales From the White Hart"

In homage to Arthur C Clarke's short stories, panellists will be telling their own scientific tall tales. Although it's in the programme as two hours long, I suspect it's only going to last an hour, given that Doctor Who starts at 6:20pm.

Hopefully I'll get a chance to do mine in the first half. If not, then you can look forward to an impromptu reading in the bar later.

Obviously when I say "look forward to" I mean "fear".

Monday 12noon "How to Send Your Script to the LMC"

I'll be speaking about what a certain British Large Media Corporation are looking for when they receive unsolicited scripts, and how you can improve your chances as a writer.

If I said who they were on this blog, I'd have to put a disclaimer at the top saying my opinions weren't theirs.

I know, it's a bit complicated, but we don't want anyone thinking my witterings are official LMC policy now.

Whoever they might be.

Monday 2pm "Icons, Symbolism and Archetypes - Moving Between Faith & Fiction"

Religious imagery in SF. There's a lot of interesting things here ranging from James Blish through to Battlestar Galactica. Should be a good'un.

There are still tickets available, and if you take the opportunity to book online today or tomorrow rather than buying them at the door, you'll save yourself a tenner.

It's going to be great fun - hope to see you there!

It's not a given...

2010-03-25T11:22:00.005Z

So, there's this TV show, right? About a character called Doctor Who.

You can tell it's about a character called "Doctor Who" because the show is called "Doctor Who" and in the credits for the first eighteen years or so, the character is called "Doctor Who". (Or sometimes Dr. Who. But I think we can safely put that in the same conceptual space.)

Some people think he's called The Doctor, and calling him Doctor Who is incorrect.

These people are wrong.

Analogy:

There's this character called Robin Hood.

He's had many stories told about him, over hundreds of years.

And yet, somehow, relatively few people manage to get their knickers in a twist that his given name is Robin of Loxley. (Or, occasionally, Robert, Earl of Huntingdon.)

And no-one feels obliged to point out that his last name is not "Hood" and that therefore calling him that is somehow wrong, or silly, or incorrect.

So. Doctor Who it is then.

Because it's his name.

Letters From America: Typical

2010-03-18T08:39:00.002Z

originally posted 6th May 2004
--

First, the good news:

I've got a read.

An agent has agreed to read my spec scripts.

From a cold call.

To say this is extremely lucky is to understate things by at least an order of magnitude. You don't get reads from cold calls. You get reads from friends-of-friends, from calling in favours, from knowing people, from living in this town for several years. And now a WGA-registered agent has agreed to read my scripts.

This is quite extraordinary. People with much better industry contacts than I are unable to get agents to read their work.

So I sent the scripts off. They stand on their own now. It's all down to whether the writing is good enough. I think it is, but I don't know. I can't be sure. Until this agent gets back to me and says whether she likes it or not.

So.

I've emailed her the scripts - I'd already put them in the post, but that wasn't soon enough, she wanted to read them Right Now, and who am I to disappoint her? - and after hitting send I happened to glance across my local copy.

Page One.

And somehow - somehow, despite checking this a hundred times - I've managed in my final revision to put the wrong location in THE VERY FIRST SLUGLINE.

So the crew of the Enterprise start their adventure in COMPLETELY THE WRONG FUCKING PLACE.

So the question is, which makes me look more like a total idiot - calling up and saying "Don't read my script, PAGE ONE IS FUCKED UP," or hoping that she's so caught up in the story that she doesn't notice?

I'm keeping quiet.

Wish me luck.

The nomenclature of showrunning

2010-02-27T11:49:00.004Z

Over the last few years there's been a growing call in the UK drama industry for a move to a US-style system, where the person in charge of a TV programme is also a writer. In this country I'm only aware of two shows that do this: Doctor Who and Holby City.

Unfortunately, this system is often incorrectly called the showrunner system.

Every show has a showrunner.

The showrunner is the person who makes the final decisions, creative and otherwise.

Sure, networks and studios give notes, and they can cancel the show or fire the showrunner if they don't get implemented, but the person who who gets to make the final decision on what happens and what doesn't - that's the showrunner.

The UK has showrunners too. They're mostly producers without a writing background, who came up through script editing and script development - the same as the US system used to be up until the 70s.

(It's still possible in both the UK and US systems to have someone who's in charge of all the writing of a show, without being in charge of the production. In this case, they're usually referred to as the Lead Writer, but the person in overall charge of the production is the showrunner.)

Most showrunners in the US, however, were hired as writers first, and learned their producing trade over the years. There's a career path in the US writers room system, from Staff Writer all the way up to showrunner, and the amount of producing duties involved grow as you work up the ladder.

I personally believe that having a writer-producer in charge is the way forward for television series. Now you can call that the writer-showrunner system, or the US system, but let's not call that the showrunner system.

Because we already have showrunners.

Writers' Social

2010-02-12T12:06:00.001Z

Sara Baroni and myself have taken it into our heads once more to organise a writers' social.

So if you'd like to come down the pub and chat about writing for stage and screen and radio and perhaps even game-controller, who knows?, we shall be at the Knights Templar in Chancery Lane on the evening of Thursday 18th March 2010.

7pm till closing; all welcome.

New Screenwriting Forum

2010-02-04T13:28:00.004Z

I've just opened a new screenwriting forum. Because we didn't have anything like The Artful Writer or Wordplay forums here in the UK.

Hopefully it'll be of some use to everyone. Why not stick your head in and say hello?

Nancy, BTW, is not a prostitute.

2010-01-16T18:47:00.003Z

At least, not in the way that we understand the word.

During my research for Oliver Twist, I came across something that gave me pause. To wit, that Nancy is often referred to in reviews and literary criticism as being a prostitute.

Thing is, though, I read the book several times. And I was buggered if I could find any actual evidence pointing that way. The passage in the book that usually gets quoted as proving this runs so:

"They wore a good deal of hair, not very neatly turned up behind, and were rather untidy about the shoes and stockings. They were not exactly pretty, perhaps; but they had a great deal of colour in their faces, and looked quite stout and healthy. Being remarkably free and easy with their manners, Oliver thought them to be very nice girls indeed. Which there is no doubt they were."

Come on. Really? That single passage is the only evidence in the entire book? That, my friends, is a stretch.

In fact, there's plenty of evidence against. Nancy says to Fagin "I thieved for you when I was a child not half as old as this! I have been in the same trade, and in the same service, for twelve years since."

So she states quite clearly that her profession is thief. Not prostitute.

And yet everyone thinks she is. Why?

I managed to chase it down, in the end, to the introduction to the 1841 edition. Dickens himself says it. "That the boys are pickpockets, and the girl is a prostitute."

So Dickens says that she's a prostitute - and then puts no evidence for it in the book. The boys are shown picking pockets, Fagin being a fence, Sikes being a murderer, and yet Nancy's purported profession is never shown or stated within the book.

Seems more than a little odd, doesn't it?

The answer finally came from The London Underworld in the Victorian Period - a selection of contemporary writings on crime in Victorian times. And there it is on page 83, at the end of the section on prostitutes.

"The last head in our classification is 'Cohabitant prostitutes'."

The book then goes on to define a cohabitant prostitute. It's someone who moves in with a man without being married to them. Someone who has sex before marriage - and continues to do so. A kept woman, as the old phrase has it.

As Nancy is.

Proof? Fagin visits her in Bill Sikes' apartment. Where she lives.

A thief, yes. But not a prostitute in the way we would use the word. Nancy is just a woman who lives with her boyfriend, and is supported by him.

And is deeply, tragically, fatally in love.

Resolute

2010-01-03T14:55:00.007Z

A lot of people are using the start of the new year to set goals for themselves. Many are publishing these goals on their blogs.

This is fine and good. Stating a goal publicly gives you a real incentive to finish.

But there's a worrying trend I've noticed in a lot of these goals. I'll throw a couple of common examples at you.

Goal for 2010: Get an agent.
Goal for 2010: Get a radio commission.

The problem with these goals is this: They are not under your control.

You could be a bloody brilliant writer, with a fantastic script: but if the agent's books are full that year, or if Radio 4 has already commissioned a play on the same subject matter, you're going to be shit out of luck. And you'll spend the year striving and striving, and next year you'll be sad when you haven't achieved a goal the success or failure of which had not a damn thing to do with you.

Instead, if you're setting goals for yourself, choose something that is in your power to make happen or not. F'rexample...

Goal for 2010: Write three scripts this year.
Goal for 2010: Direct a short film.
Goal for 2010: Go on a writing course.
Goal for 2010: Trade notes with other writers to get better.

Or for the two goals we started with, rephrase them so that the thing you promise to do in 2010 is in your control, not someone else's.

Goal for 2010: Send every script I finish this year to at least ten agents.
Goal for 2010: Pitch potential radio plays to at least ten producers before each offers round.

Because those actions are exactly what you'd need to do in order to get an agent or get a commission anyway.

The difference is this: You're in control of whether or not you achieve them.

There's no-one to blame or praise but yourself. And there's no way, at the end of the year, that your sense of achievement will be dependent on whether or not someone else has a bad day.

And maybe you will get that commission, or that agent. That'd be a nice bonus. But that's what it is: a bonus.

If you're setting goals, make them something that you have control over.

Don't put your happiness in the hands of someone you don't know.

Let's Twist Again

2009-12-17T13:39:00.005Z

More good reviews and a healthy box office means that my adaptation of Oliver Twist has been extended until the 24th January 2010.

Hoorah! Gin-and-water all round!

Find more info and book your ticket here.

Selling the Sizzle

2009-12-04T13:14:00.003Z

The above is the sizzle reel for a new SF show called Slingers produced by sleepydog. Looks interesting, no? Lovely sexy Rat Pack vibe, a nice look-and-feel, enough obvious pros to feel comfortable with the people behind it, and enough meat on the bones for me to think it has legs.

OK, going a bit biological on the metaphor at the end there.

I've not heard the term sizzle reel before, but it's a great phrase. Something to make you salivate, to look forward to the main event.

Problems with a sizzle reel? If it's released too early market anticipation (ie us wanting to watch it) might drop off. In which case when it does come out then it'll be "Slingers? Old news. Didn't we see that last year?"

So there needs to be a careful drip-feed of information after one of these comes out. Not too little, so that we still know it's a go project. Not too much, so that we feel like we've seen it all already. Look to Doctor Who over the last few years to see how good management of information can really help a show.

You can find more detail about Slingers on writer Mike Sizemore's blog, including some yummy-looking concept art, and promises of more goodies to come. So it looks like that's been thought of too.

They're looking to shoot the full pilot (90 minutes) in 2010.

And I'm already hungry.

Buy now, while stocks last!

2009-11-16T23:04:00.004Z

So I've adapted Dickens again.

This year's Christmas show at the Lion and Unicorn Theatre in Kentish Town is Oliver Twist.

Already, more tickets have been sold before opening night than for any other show since Giant Olive moved in a year ago. And there's still a fortnight before the show goes up.

There's a great cast, including Eddie Kingham (who starred as Scrooge in last year's production of A Christmas Carol) as Fagin, and I can tell you now that man is doing sterling work. Watch him before he gets famous. And Ray Shell is again working wonders with the directing.

Also? Wipe the memory of the musical from your heads. This is going back to the raw source material, and it can be a dark and nasty place.

Previews start on Monday 30th November at eight of your earth pounds, going up to twelve quid a couple of days later, and tickets are on sale now.

Girl Number 9

2009-11-09T23:19:00.003Z

I didn't want to blog about these episodes until I'd seen them and could truthfully say "Yes, I recommend this."

Yes, I recommend this.

Girl Number 9 is an original drama made for the web by Television's James Moran and Dan Turner of Splendid infamy.

Each of the six episodes is about five minutes long (not exactly, though, and not all the same length - we don't have to worry about hitting timeslots on the web), and shot using professional kit and crew with strong, well-known talent in the three lead roles.

(That would be Tracy-Ann Oberman, Joe Absolom, and Gareth David-Lloyd then.)

Over the last week, they've been releasing an episode a day onto the Internets, and you can watch all six episodes - at least until the end of November - online. After that, in order to view them we're talking a nice shiny DVD with oodles of bonus material. And there may also be pay-to-watch online or sponsored viewings.

Shall we call it the Horrible Model? It has a certain ring to it, and this way of monetising new drama may well be something that we see more of over the next few years.

So, most importantly, what's the series like?

Dark. Darker than you expect. And then a bit darker than that, too.

And also, very very good.

Watch all six episodes for free while you can at at www.canyousaveher.com.

Enter. Enter. Zero. Stop.

2009-10-22T11:10:00.000+01:00

Hoorah!

I'm happy to be able (at last) to officially say that I'm one of the writers on 0110: Twisted Tales & Glorious.

It's a new series that's inspired by and touching the disturbing, the odd, and the strange. And it has a unique, fractal production, with individual short tales twisted together in many different ways.

The writing starts in the next few weeks, and the pilot will be filmed in early 2010. We'll be keeping you informed of the process over on the 0110 website and, of course, on this here blog.

A new writer is being revealed each day this week, and announced so far have been Laurence Timms, Helen Smith, and Michelle Lipton.

I'd tell you who the others were, but then I'd have to kill me. You can find out the names of the other two writers tomorrow and Saturday as they're revealed on producer Lara Greenway's blog and the 0110 website.

There are some seriously talented people on board this project.

It's going to be a blast.

Go on, say hello.

2009-10-21T15:41:00.005+01:00

I'm off to Cheltenham next week for the Screenwriters' Festival. You can find my thoughts on previous years by checking out this handy-dandy magic blogspot tag thing.

Executive summary: it's excellent, and well worth the money. You can still get tickets from the festival website.

If you're going to be coming along too and it's your first time at the festival, you might be a little nervous about meeting people, especially if you're going on your own.

Fortunately, we have a solution.

The lovely and talented Michelle Lipton, Jason Arnopp, Phill Barron, and myself will be holding our now-traditional go-on-say-hello-what's-the-worst-that-can-happen networking do on the Sunday night.

By which I mean:

We'll be down the pub, and we'd love for you to join us.

You'll be able to find us in the bar of the Queen's Hotel on the evening of Sunday 25th October from about six o'clock onwards.

It'll be a chance to put names to faces and get to know people before everything kicks off in earnest on the Monday.

Hope to see you there!

Letters From America: Jobs for the boy

2009-10-17T12:39:00.003+01:00

originally posted 2nd May 2004
--

Well, my second spec script is finished.

As with the first one, we're having a table read in my apartment block next Sunday. A bunch of actors and writers will come over, sit around our ping-pong table, and read my words aloud.

During this, I get to see where it sucks most, and fix it.

I'm pretty happy with the two scripts that I have now, so after the read-through and a final dialogue pass to remove any words that the actors have problems with, it's time to go into phase three of the plan.

For the next two months I'm going to be job-hunting.

This will basically involve calling and/or writing letters to a) agents and b) producers which basically say this:

I write. I'm very good. I'm professional enough to know that I need to show you two specs, and to be working on another now. Would you like to read my stuff?

If they do (oh, and that's a big if), and they like it, then I get either a) representation or b) a meeting.

Meetings are good. Meetings let you put a face to people so that you can interact properly when you call them up next and try to sell them stuff.

I need to get meetings.

Cookie Monster is not having any of your nonsense

2009-10-02T10:47:00.004+01:00

As you probably know, characters on Sesame Street will often sing songs naming, for example, things that begin with the same letter.

Here's Cookie Monster's take on the issue.

The other writing secrets

2009-09-18T15:45:00.010+01:00

Danny Stack did a brilliant series of posts last year called Professional Screenwriter. It's ten blogsworth of advice about how to succeed as a writer and it is, as the kids say, full of win.

If you haven't read them already, you can get 'em here:

Reading
Writing
Networking
Industry Insider
Get an Agent
Discipline
Attitude
Choosing Work
In the Know
Doing the Do

In addition to that, James Moran has revealed the big secret of how to be a writer. It's four words long, and it's answered in the very first question of his enormous writing FAQ.

So, there you go. Those eleven posts are all you need to read about how to become a writer.

But there's a whole bunch of other useful stuff, too. Things that you can do to make your life easier, that aren't exactly about writing itself, or how to make a career of it, but will come in really useful over the years ahead.

So, in no particular order, here are the other writing secrets.

Learn Proofing Marks

When you're working on a draft, you need to mark it up with your notes: delete this, move that to there, add in a whole bunch of stuff here.

The typesetting industry has a standard set of marks, which are easy to read and which anyone in the print industry can understand - once you learn them then you'll be able to mark up changes to your own drafts quickly and clearly.

This page introduces the basic marks and links to a two-page PDF which you can print out and keep next to your desk.

Learn to touch type - preferably using a Dvorak keyboard

Touch typing is faster than pick-and-peck, which means you can get the words out faster when you're drafting, and change them faster when you're revising. There's nothing more annoying than having the right words in your head and simply not being able to get them written quickly enough.

There is one problem with learning to type, though, and it's that the QWERTY keyboard is not a good design for touch-typists.

The Dvorak keyboard was created in 1932, and was specifically designed to make touch-typing easier. As well as increasing your typing speed, it's easier to learn. And as your fingers don't move so much across the keyboard (because the keys are in sensible places), many writers (myself included) have also found that it reduces symptoms of RSI.

It takes less than five minutes to switch your computer to a Dvorak layout, and you can find Dvorak typing tutors here.

Buy a laser printer

You might have had a printer thrown in when you bought your computer. Probably a colour one, these days.

But scripts aren't printed in colour. And you're going to be printing an awful lot of scripts.

You can buy a laser printer for less than a hundred quid, and it'll save you money in the long run.

A laser printer cartridge is more expensive than an inkjet one, but it lasts longer. A lot longer. And over the life of the printer, that means it's actually cheaper to have a laser printer.

Get a sensible email address

While I'm certain that cat_lover573@yahoo.co.uk is indeed a lovely email address that expresses your personality perfectly, it doesn't exactly scream Scriptwriting Professional.

firstname.lastname is a good bet. It's also easy to remember.

In an ideal world, you'd have your own domain (the .com thing) and maybe even put a website there saying who you are. Failing that, the largest free email providers are Gmail, Yahoo, and Hotmail.

Act

As a screenwriter, actors are going to have to read your words and perform your actions at some point.

Taking an acting class or performing in some amateur theatre productions will give you an excellent grounding in some of the joys and problems of that.

A little bit of acting experience will not only help you to understand how an actor constructs their performance around the text, it'll help you to provide character and, yes, even motivation.

Stand up

If you're a comedy writer, do a couple of sets of stand-up. Many comedy clubs have open mic nights where you can get up on stage and perform for five or ten minutes. (Five minutes is more than long enough for your first set.) Performing your own material is an excellent way to hone your skills on seeing where the laughs are, and getting more.

You're not going to be as good a standup or actor as anyone who does it for a living. But what you will get is new tools for your writing toolbox.

Learn basic typographical design

The Non-Designer's Design Book is a book which teaches the basics - and just the basics - of print design.

We're not talking about anything fussy or fancy-schmancy here. Just some easy ways of laying out your text on a page to make it look nicer.

It won't help you with scripts - they have a standard layout for a very good reason - but for things like covering letters, show bibles, or pitch documents, being able to lay them out in a sensible, beautiful, easy-to-read way will set you ahead of the pack.

So there you have it. Seven useful writing tips that have nothing to do with writing.

Letters from America: Words, words, words.

2009-09-01T19:00:00.004+01:00

originally posted 11th April 2004
--

So I attended the Game Developers Conference in San Jose a couple of weeks ago.

We know a lot about engendering emotion through novels and films. While telling a story in a game uses different methods of presentation (via cut-scenes and in-game dialogue, for example), we don't need new theories to talk about how to make characters and story affect people.

Most of the writing presentations at the conference were concerned with emotion through story and character, but one looked at the emotions you can experience through gameplay itself.

The speaker was Nicole Lazzaro, President of User Experience Research company XEODesign. If any of you are thinking of developing games any time soon, I highly recommend you get in touch with her.

A large portion of the talk covered the emotions that you probably know about already: anger, frustration, wonder, awe, excitement, relief, amusement, and schadenfreude. All can be brought in via gameplay or design rather than story or character.

In a way, she's proved that it's simply not necessary to have a compelling story to have an emotionally involving game. But I guess those of you who've played Tetris or Solitaire already know that.

The most important things I took away, though, were two words.

Fiero and Naches.

Fiero is an Italian word. It's the emotion you experience when you finally overcome adversity, or solve a problem. It's the thrill you get from filling in a clue in a crossword puzzle, or beating the end-of-level boss. It's the moment when you clench your fist and say: "Yes!", or throw your arms above your head.

Naches (the ch is pronounced as in chutzpah, or reich) is from the Yiddish. It's the emotion of pleasure or pride at the accomplishment of someone you've helped or trained. It's the feeling you get as a parent, teacher, or mentor, when someone is able to succeed because of what you've shown them.

Now the point is, we've all experienced these two emotions.

But before now, I had no way to talk about them. I had no way of defining these emotions, or discussing them with other people. I had no way to consider how to analyse or engender these emotions, no way to understand or discuss them.

Without these words to define the concepts, I had no way to even *think* about them.

Today I can do things that I couldn't do before, have thoughts and experiences that I simply couldn't have a fortnight ago, just because I know two new words.

And now you can too.

Splendid!

2009-08-21T14:08:00.001+01:00

Hoorah!

The Splendid trailer is now available for your viewing pleasure.

Do the clicky thing with the arrow. You know you want to.

A serious flaw with the standard SIZR model of zombie infection.

2009-08-18T18:38:00.004+01:00

While the recent publication of When Zombies Attack! Mathematical modelling of an outbreak of Zombie Infection [1] represents a great step forward in our scientific understanding of the process of a zombie outbreak, their model posesses a flaw which must be addressed before we can truly say we understand the process of infection.

Their model assumes that ζR represents the number of Removed who subsequently become resurrected. Any undergraduate student of Zombie Virology would realise that there is a further state T from which the Removed may become Truly dead, viz. when their brains are destroyed.

As this T state would remove a certain number of individuals from the R state, the transmission rate for the virus would necessarily proceed at a lower rate. This would inevitably lead to a slowed increase in the number of active zombies, thus increasing the length of human survival to a period of time longer than the standard SIZR model would predict.

In addition, in the SIZR-Q model, zombies and the infected would almost certainly be moved to the T category within the length of any serious outbreak as those quarantined are killed permanently by brain-destruction.

Surely this is something that peer-review should have caught.

1: Munz, Hudea, Imad, Smith? 2007

Here Kitty Kitty

2009-08-09T18:00:00.010+01:00

After the success of his recent adaptation of the fairy tales of Hans Christian Andersen, m'brother Rafe has now directed a new play, Kitty and Damnation by award-winning playwright Joseph Crilly.

The show opens tonight and runs until 12th September 2009, Tuesday to Saturday at 7:30pm.

You can buy tickets via ticketweb or on the door.

Running with the Bulls

2009-08-08T19:45:00.005+01:00

I went running with the bulls in Pamplona this year.

If you're not aware of this particular pastime, it's like this:

Six bulls run through the streets of the town.
You run in front of them, until they catch up.
Then you run alongside them and let them pass.
That's it.

It's known in Spain as the encierro, and the original purpose of it was to move the bulls from their overnight holding pen to the bullring for the day's bullfighting.

My girlfriend was born in Pamplona, the site of the largest encierro in Spain during the festival of San Fermín. (He's the patron saint of the town.) The Sanfirmines encierro is broadcast live across Spain throughout the festival.

So I thought it would be nice to run with the bulls one year.

Why not? It looks like fun, it's something that brings me closer to Loli's culture and, let's face it, bullfighting will probably be outlawed within my lifetime. Might as well experience this while I still can.

I'm only planning to do it the once. It's a young man's game, and I'm not getting any younger.

There are generally about two or three hundred injuries per year, and a death every four or five years. Unfortunately this year was one of the ones when someone was gored to death by a bull.

Anyone can run with the bulls provided that they're

Over the age of 18
Not drunk or otherwise incapacitated
On-site before 7:30am

As Laurence Olivier famously asked Dustin Hoffman, is it safe?

Well, provided you take a few simple precautions like knowing where not to run (the outside of the bends - the bulls can't turn very fast, and might run into you) and what to do if you fall over (stay still - if you move they'll try and gore you, but if you stay still they'll ignore you), then it's actually fine.

The run takes about four minutes. You choose your spot to wait for the bulls to come by, start running before they get to you, and finish when they pass. Don't wave anything at them, give them room, and don't touch the buggers. They get riled.

Personally I'd recommend Estafeta. It's a nice street, quite wide, and there are various shop doorways to duck into should you have to. That's provided they're not full of cowering people, of course. It's actually more difficult to run safely at the edge of the street, as there are more people there for you to stumble into. Took me a while to figure that out.

Through the duration of the festival, it's traditional to wear a white shirt and trousers, a red neckscarf, and a red sash used as a belt.

When I say "traditional" I mean "practically everyone is wearing this". You'd better too, if you don't want to look weird.

So, would I recommend it to you?

Well, yes. There's a small amount of danger, but not much provided you do a little bit of research beforehand and don't do anything obviously stupid. And it's an experience I can carry with me for the rest of my life.

And I think you should try something different, too. Something that you've never tried before.

It might be running with the bulls, or skydiving, or rock-climbing, or living in another country for a few months. Each of these has risks - but every day you risk death or injury crossing the road. Life is risk. And all of these risks are manageable.

New experiences make us better people.

Letters From America: Rubber, Drugs, and PVC

2009-07-26T10:26:00.002+01:00

originally posted 26th March 2004
--

So, here I am in San Jose for the rest of the week.

The day before yesterday, I read a post on a screenwriting message board. It said "I have free tickets for the Game Designers Conference. Who wants some?"

So I said yes, emailed Susannah to check that I could crash at hers, and jumped in the car.

About an hour down the freeway, there was a loud bang and the car started shuddering. I made it to the side of the road safely, and started checking to see what had happened. Turned out my left rear tyre was shredded.

At this time a Highway Patrol officer pulled up and, after telling me to take my hands out of my pockets and return to my vehicle, asked me who I was and if I was transporting drugs from Los Angeles to San Francisco.

Fortunately, he seemed satisfied when I told him I wasn't.

After limping on three wheels to the nearest garage I found an entrepeneurial member of the rescue services who offered to take my tyre away and have it fixed for the bargain price of $200 (down from $260). Having a rough idea of what a tyre costs, I drove slowly and carefully for another 14 miles and got it fixed for $40.

It's an interesting environment at the conference. There are about 9,000 games developers here: programmers, designers, artists, suits, and even a few writers.

The general opinion of the writers is that writing in games gets no respect and Something Must Be Done. That's about as far as they've got, though.

So there I was in the hotel bar speaking to the representative from the BBC (turns out I know him) when a little man came up and said:

"You don't want to be drinking here. Why not come across the road to the PlayStation party, where all the booze is free? Use this to get in."

So we did.

It turns out that a party sponsored by PlayStation is - well, just about exactly how you'd imagine.

Huge paper sculptures, coloured lights flashing all over the place, delicious food, free bars all over, and a fashionable band.

The band was called "Crystal Meth", or perhaps "The Crystal Method". An orbital-a-like. I know they were good because a) I liked them and b) Young People around me kept calling friends on their mobile phones and saying "Dude! You won't believe this, but Crystal Meth are on stage, like, *fifty feet away*!"

But my favourite part of the evening had to be the fact that when the band weren't on stage, there were Asian girls in short PVC dresses, fishnets, boots, and chokers dancing in cages for no good reason.

Fair made my evening, that did.

It's people like you that spoil it for everyone else.

2009-07-14T18:39:00.004+01:00

So I go away for a week to visit my girlfriend's family and run with the bulls - I'm fine, thank you for asking - and manage to avoid most of the Torchwood spoilers.

Some of which will likely appear in this post. You have been warned.

So I come back, gulp down the lot, and check out some of the reaction on the Internets. Why not? See how everyone else likes it.

(Very good, I thought. Nice work from all three writers, the director, and the actors. Reminded me a lot of the classic British TV SF of the past in style - A For Andromeda, the various Quatermass series and so on.)

And what should I find on the Internet but a bunch of fucking half-wits yattering on about how the writers have destroyed their favourite series.

Now, let's be clear here. I'm a fan myself. I go to conventions, I read tie-in books, I'm watching all of Doctor Who in order from the start. I. Like. Science. Fiction.

The clear difference here is that I don't consider someone else's work to belong to me.

It's known in psychology as a sense of entitlement. I love this series, therefore it belongs to me. I love these characters, therefore a threat to them is a threat to me.

And there seems to be a particular contingent of this madness in SF fans. I don't know why. Perhaps they're just more vocal about it than the average EastEnders fan when, for example, Tiffany Mitchell suffered a tragic road accident on New Year's Eve.

So when a well-loved character died in episode four of the latest series of Torchwood, these people were outraged. And they have made their displeasure known.

Some of the opinions which I've read have included "I'm never watching Torchwood again," - quite a common one, this - and promising never to spend another penny on Torchwood merchandise.

Possibly my favourite has the line "Thanks for your contributions to this fandom" in it. This fandom. Not the television series. Apparently it's all about the fandom, and the series just happens to be vaguely associated with it.

But you know what? Fair enough. You can't please everyone all the time, and a bit of polite disagreement never hurt anyone.

And then there are the others. The name-calling, the accusations of homophobia, of deliberately trying to hurt fans. The stupidest of the dumb.

Let's be clear: you have a right to think whatever you want, whether it has any basis in reality or not. You might, for example, claim that "George Lucas raped my childhood" when he released The Phantom Menace.

No. He did not. He made a bad film. And taking it personally is not going to do anything other than make you feel bad about yourself. Because then you are granting power over your own happiness to something that you have no control over.

Because you are not in charge.

"They're alienating the fans! We've supported them all the way! We should be consulted/informed/listened to!"

No. You do not get that right.

You took it personally. You decided that your sense of well-being was bound up in the lives of characters you have no control over. You.

You did this to yourself.

And to then attack the writer? To say "You didn't do this the way I wanted to, so you're at fault"? To insult them? To lay the blame on them for you not liking something?

For the last few years, Torchwood writer James Moran has kept a blog. In it he shared his journey from aspiring to professional writer, sharing what he's learned, trying to give a little bit back.

Because, you see, he's a fan too.

And now, thanks to the comments from fools on the Internet, he's having to scale back his presence. To be a little less open, a little less helpful to those who are also trying to learn, trying to enjoy.

And you did this.

You.

God preserve us from people like you.

Letters From America: A good day, on the whole.

2009-07-02T16:33:00.002+01:00

originally posted 8th March 2004
--

Draft Zero of the Enterprise spec is finished.

It's not a First Draft. It's not at that level yet. What it has, is enough words to fill fifty pages in screenplay format.

Now that the final "Fade out." has been typed, I've printed it out and read it end-to-end for the first time.

The first act is pretty good, in my humble opinion. Unfortunately the other three-quarters of the script sucks big-style. Genuine queue-up-to-avoid-it type writing.

I read the whole thing for the first time a couple of hours ago. When writing the Zeroth Draft I try to not go back at all if I can avoid it - the temptation is too high to spend your life re-working the bits you know are wrong instead of finishing the damn piece.

But now, reading it end-to-end for the first time, I had my Editor hat on. And the *structure* is mostly there. It's just the words that need changing.

If I was a showrunner who received this script, I'd fire the original writer and pass it on to the person on my team that was good at dialogue to straighten the damn thing out.

Unfortunately, I'm on my own here.

But I can see where the problems are. Looking at it now as a final piece, I can see what the original author is trying to do in the script. Despite the fact that everyone wears their hearts on their shoulders and baldly states their point-of-view.

So what I'll be doing over the next couple of weeks is taking the scenes apart and attempting to re-build them with real characters instead of the cardboard cutouts currently serving duty as place-holders.

Then maybe it'll be worth showing to someone else.

But having said all that, finishing Draft Zero is worth celebrating. It's a cut-off point, a waystation, a milestone.

So I treated myself. Since I moved into this apartment building, I've had my eye upon the big switch in the elevator marked "Emergency Stop", and I've been saving it for just the proper occasion.

Worth the wait.

Where there's a Will

2009-06-18T13:30:00.004+01:00

William M Akers, writer of Your Screenplay Sucks! is going to be in London in the next couple of weeks.

Anyhoo, turns out he's doing a workshop at the Met Film School on the evening of Thursday 2nd July at 6:30pm. Looks like it might be interesting.

Fifteen quid cash on the door to get in, and you need to book a ticket beforehand. Details are here.

He also has a blog.

Good christ on a bucket, you don't mean it's actually happening?

2009-06-17T13:05:00.003+01:00

Trailer for Just For The Record, the new film from our very own Phill Barron.

Looks like fun.

Writers' Social, 16th July 2009

2009-06-16T23:44:00.005+01:00

It has been pointed out to me recently that a Writers' Social has not been organised for a long while.

So the delightful Sara Baroni and I have organised one.

It's in the Knights Templar pub in London on Thursday 16th July from 7pm till closing. In this pub at this time we will be drinking beer, and talking about the UK screenwriting industry.

Why not come along and do the same? All welcome.

Hope to see you there.

Second Stage Launch

2009-06-12T14:37:00.003+01:00

So I was at the launch do for the Screenwriters' Festival last night. This was actually the second launch. We reckon they can probably fit one more in before the festival itself, which is October 26th to 29th.

In addition to a glass of free wine (which always cheers me up) and some starspotting in the BAFTA bar, we got to see a few people talk including a couple of agents, two writers who are at the end of the beginning of their careers (or possibly the beginning of the middle), and Christopher Hampton.

The common theme running through all of these presentations was this though: it takes hard work to be successful. A lot of it.

Christopher Hampton hasn't done too badly for himself. And he's got a pretty good hit-rate for features - fully one in three of the films he's written has actually been made.

Both of the new writers are several features plus change (sitcoms, dramas, etc.) written before starting to get any traction at all. And even now they're only just starting to emerge from the fray.

So: Work hard. Repeat until successful.

The helpful advice is all really in aid of promoting the festival, though. I mean, that's what a launch is for. And what you really want to know is: is it worth the cash?

In my opinion, yes. I've been for the last few years, and I'd say there's two main reasons to go.

Firstly, there's getting to hear from writers who make a living at this. A lot of them, in the same place at the same time. Learning what they did right and wrong helps you to avoid the mistakes they made and make brand new ones of your own.

Secondly you get to hang around with other writers at the same stage as you are. It's as much of a social event as it is a learning one. And to be honest, that's the most useful thing of all.

Other bloggers were at the event too, and I'm sure they'll chuck in their two'pennorth over the next few days. As of right now, the only post available is at Phill's place. It has the advantage over this one in that it also contains a diagram of sperm.

If you're thinking of going, don't forget that you can get funding from your local screen agency.

Hope to see you there.

Josh Friedman on the bubble

2009-06-04T10:54:00.004+01:00

Creator/Showrunner/Sometime Blogger Josh Friedman of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles has posted about what it's like being on the bubble.

Sadly, the show didn't get renewed.

"Everyone says having your show cancelled is like a death but I've been dead before and at least when you're dead you don't get thrown off the Warner Bros. lot for haunting your old parking space. They probably mean it's like the death of a friend or a family member but that shit only hurts when it's YOUR friend or family member and even then it's mitigated by age, lifestyle and whether that person was a Hollywood friend or a real one and whether that family member left you money.

"Losing your show is more like a surprise divorce where you get served papers in the morning and your (ex)wife is fucking Human Target by three in the afternoon using the same time slot your child was conceived in and also where she did that one thing that one time on your birthday."

More at Josh's blog.

The same act of writing, but in real time.

2009-05-30T09:53:00.003+01:00

Stephen Gallagher has written a post about how the freelance writing process works in US TV.

And there's a promise of another post on the Writers' Room system coming soon.

Well worth your time.

SAG negotiations

2009-05-23T16:52:00.004+01:00

I don't have a horse in this race, unlike the WGA strike.

But the members of the Screen Actors Guild are now deciding whether or not to accept a proposal squeezed through by 53% of the SAG Board. So, not exactly a roaring endorsement.

You can take a look at the highlights, together with arguments for and against, in the SAG Referendum Packet.

Time for the members of the SAG to decide. I wish you all good luck.

Adaptation

2009-05-13T22:43:00.003+01:00

Earlier this year I wrote an article for the Spring 09 issue of the Writers' Guild magazine about how I adapted A Christmas Carol for the stage.

Should you be tempted to give it the once-over, the Guild has just made it available online.

Special Offer

2009-05-08T17:21:00.004+01:00

I've blogged before about why I think you should join the Writers' Guild of Great Britain.

But I think it's worth going through it one more time.

They have a very good pension scheme
They will have their lawyers look through your contracts in order to prevent you from being fucked
There is a welfare fund to assist you should you fall on hard times.
They negotiate minimum rates for theatre, television, film, and radio
They will give you advice and help on all aspects of writing

You could say: Well, I'm doing all right on my own, why do I need them?

Because your position becomes more powerful, not less, when you are part of a group. Because - and I hate to have to be the one to break it to you - producers and directors do not have your best interests at heart. They have their own. And that's as it should be.

Anyway, this Wednesday, 13th May 2009, the Guild is celebrating its 50th Anniversary. So there's going to be a special offer.

If you want to join the Guild for the first time, either as a Full Member (must have sold something) or a Candidate Member (still working on that), you can do it for just fifty quid this year.

To become a member you need to call the Guild's Membership Team on 01952 214 063 between 9.30am and 5.30pm on 13th May 2009 and quote the WGGB Anniversary Offer. The offer's strictly limited to 50 people, though. You know. Being a 50th anniversary deal and all.

It's a good deal.

Grinding slow but exceedingly fine

2009-05-02T18:00:00.001+01:00

There's been no blog posting this week due to a combination of script revisions and working out of Elstree, travel to and from which took a big chunk out of my time for the last fortnight.

Instead, here's something I was actually supposed to do almost a year ago, which is: list seven songs I'm into Right Now.

Of course, Right Now is Right Now Almost A Year Ago, but, hell, better late than never.

All the Strange, Strange Creatures - Murray Gold, Doctor Who Original Music from Series Three
Warm Sound - Zero 7, When It Falls
Knock 'em out - Lily Allen, Alright, Still
Oh My God - Mark Ronson feat. Lily Allen, Version
What We Need More Of Is Science - MC Hawking, A Brief History of Rhyme: MC Hawking's Greatest Hits
The Dozens - MC Hawking, A Brief History of Rhyme: MC Hawking's Greatest Hits
Don't Know Why - Norah Jones, Come Away with Me
One Final Effort - Martin O'Donnell and Michael Salvatori, Halo 3

Tagses for Christine, William, Lara, and Stuart based on the fact a quick google didn't turn up any evidence that they did this the first time round either.

Splendid

2009-04-22T09:28:00.007+01:00

As you may (or may not) know, for the last six months or so I've been part of the writing team for new sketch show Splendid.

Well, I've just checked the schedule, and they're shooting my first sketch today. And it's a beautiful day, which bodes well as this one has some outside shooting involved.

Also Super 8.

More detail will no doubt show up throughout the shooting and editing period, but in the meantime you can sate your curiosity at the online gaffs of Jason Arnopp, Dan Turner, and John Harrison.

Show me on the doll where the bad script touched you.

2009-04-11T11:59:00.006+01:00

Balls Out is a screenplay that does exactly what it says on the tin.

You'll love it or hate it. I think I can safely guarantee you won't have a neutral opinion.

The script did take a little while to go all the way with me, but once it got into a rhythm, it was the most mindblowing read I've had in a long while. So don't give up too soon. And make sure you have plenty of lube.

The quotes on THE ROBOTARD 8000's homepage, by the way, are genuine. BattleDolphinZero, half of THE ROBOTARD 8000, has described the writers as being "A-list adjacent".

Now pass me the doll. I need to push my fingers deep into its heart.

When will you people fucking learn?

2009-04-09T16:12:00.004+01:00

It seems that someone else finds these new "Report your neighbours to the Police!" posters as offensive as I do.

Improve one here.

Dark Tales

2009-04-01T13:35:00.003+01:00

M'brother Rafe has just directed a play at the Lion & Unicorn theatre for me old muckers Giant Olive.

Dark Tales tells the uncensored stories of Hans Christian Andersen. As you might expect from the title, it's not for children.

Reviews:
The Stage
British Theatre Guide
remotegoat

You can buy tickets via ticketweb here.

You know what?

It's rather damn fine. Go see it.

And sometimes it's not too hard to decipher the code at all

2009-03-25T22:45:00.003Z

As you may have heard, SciFi have recently taken the decision to rebrand as SyFy.

Why?

Well, the word SciFi (or scifi, or sci-fi) has been around since Forry Ackerman invented it in the 50s.

(Most serious SF buffs don't like the term, considering it a bit gee-whizz, and prefer, well, SF instead.)

And as SciFi is a word in common use, that means you can't trademark it. No brand extensions, no protectable spinoffs.

So they decided to rebrand, and this rebrand has the benefit of sounding exactly the same. Fair enough. It also has the advantage of moving away from the pure-geek connotations of SciFi among the general public.

I can't say I have any particular feelings about it one way or the other.

But the interesting thing is this blog post from Landor, the branding agency who consulted with SciFi... er SyFy on the rebrand.

Now they don't actually say the words "We begged them on our knees not to do it" anywhere in the article, but nevertheless it's instructive to read.

The last paragraph is the meat of the matter:

"Yes, we worked with the Sci Fi Channel, and it hired us to consult on the project. However, Syfy was a name generated internally and pre-tested at the channel before our involvement. Once Landor was involved, we explored new names as part of the process, but it was the Channel's call to go with Syfy."

Note the specificity of the wording.

Generated internally.
Pre-tested at the channel before our involvement.
We explored new names.
It was the channel's call to go with SyFy.

I'd love to have a look at Landor's internal documents on the testing of this.

Because you don't put this on a public-facing blog - even in code - unless you really want to move away from being associated with this rebrand, and fast.

Unimportant Things

2009-03-19T08:44:00.008Z

Tagged by John Soanes.

1) Put the link of the person who tagged you on your blog.
2) Write the rules.
3) Mention 6 things or habits of no real importance about you.
4) Tag 6 persons adding their links directly.
5) Alert the persons that you tagged them.

Two out of five ain't bad. Let's see if we can improve on that.

Thing The First

In my early twenties I contracted Bell's Palsy. One of the nerves in my neck became inflamed, swelling and trapping the other, which resulted in complete paralysis of half of my face.

This led to such exciting symptoms as drooling and being unable to close one of my eyes properly (meaning I had to smush my face against the pillow to go to sleep).

The first symptom was a taste of iron in my mouth. The second was that, while out in a pub with an ex, she asked me if I was leering at her. After denying it, she told me to check my face in a mirror, which I promptly did, to discover half of it wasn't working any more.

The diagnosis was that almost everyone gets completely better, and it just takes time. This proved to be true in my case, and the only remaining symptom is that when I eat spicy food, I cry - but only from one of my eyes.

Thing The Second

My first novel was written in a school exercise book, and went through several drafts.

(Well, I thought it was a novel at the time. It's a novel in the same way that The Young Visiters is a novel. But I think Ms Ashford has a better style, if less ray guns.)

If you imagine the potboiling SF novels of the thirties with a dash of V, you'll be in the right ballpark.

It came in six chapters, at the end of each our heroes were knocked unconscious.

I still have it somewhere.

No, you can't read it.

Thing The Third

I'm cross-dominant.

Surprisingly, this isn't a kinky sex thing, but means that while my dominant hand is my right (for throwing, catching, and so on), my dominant eye is my left.

This is not generally a problem in everyday life. However it's a known problem in target shooting.

Should I ever wish to take up shooting - or alternatively, should I be forced to fight for survival in a terrifying post-apocalyptic world - I should try and shoulder the weapon on my left, rather than my right, in order to aim correctly.

Thing The Fourth

In primary school, I was in a school play.

Unfortunately, when I got onto stage, I was completely dry. Nothing. The line-thief had come and stolen everything from my brain.

I stumbled offstage very embarrassedly, and was so mortified I didn't get on a stage again until university.

Which is a shame, because acting's great. It's fun, and as a writer you learn a lot.

And when you're not a child, you know what? The other people working with you will help you out.

So it's not scary at all.

Thing The Fifth

I adore cliffhangers.

This is probably a result of being raised on Doctor Who and 30s serials.

I love the way that they force you to wait for a resolution. How will our heroes escape? What's going to happen next? Cliffhangers help your imagination to engage with a text in a way that a revelation ending doesn't.

It makes me quite sad that no-one really does cliffhangers any more, except for the occasional two-parter in Doctor Who.

The first series of Alias was also notable for having a cliffhanger at the end of every episode.

Sadly, the Network made them stop it after the first series. Which made me sad.

Thing The Sixth

I dress to the left.

I tag, in alphabetical order by last name, Jason Arnopp, Phill Barron, Michelle Lipton, Christine Patton, Stuart Perry, and Danny Stack.

Letters From America: Funny Man

2009-03-06T16:11:00.001Z

originally posted 4th March 2004
--

Stand up comedy occurred last night.

It seemed to go down well, though it's difficult to tell when you're actually performing. I got laughs, and was told that it was excellent for a first timer, so it's all downhill from here. I have one definite gig next week, then I'll figure out whether I'm going to do it again. I suspect not (other fish to fry), but we'll see.

Note for those attempting comedy work: Unless you have a talking penis, keep the microphone closer to your chin than your tummy. Or you won't be heard at the back of the room.

It took less than two hours from stepping off stage to the first person saying: "So you're a comedian, eh? Say something funny."

Location, Location, Location

2009-02-24T13:34:00.002Z

For the last few months, I've been part of the writing team for a new comedy sketch show known as Splendid.

The sketches going into the pilot have been selected, and it's due to start filming next month.

But - it's a pilot! And alas we cannot simply throw money at problems like, for example, finding somewhere to film this magnificent show.

So if you know of anywhere we can find some or all of the following for little or no money, leave a message in the comments.

House Interior (three different ones - the bigger the better)
Airplane Cockpit
Jungle - or a jungle-type location
Field with hills
Shed
Cave
Beach

You can find many more splendid things at the following places:

Blog
Facebook
Twitter

Splendid.

Jane Austen Mashup

2009-02-17T12:58:00.004Z

I pointed out Pride and Prejudice and Zombies in the tumblelog the other day, and at the time I thought it was possibly the best idea ever.

If Variety isn't mistaken (and how I hope they aren't) then Elton John's production company may actually have come up with an even better adaptation.

Pride and Predator.

I long to see this film. Already the very idea of it makes me feel warm and tingly inside, like a first crush.

Letters From America: Welcome to the 21st Century

2009-02-15T15:10:00.005Z

originally sent on 24th February 2004
--

It's finally happened.

Today, my Robotic Housemaid arrived.

OK, so unlike the robots we were promised in the 1950s it doesn't do the dishes or make cocktails, but the Roomba is a fully-mechanised robot vacuum cleaner.

It's about the size of a large dinner plate, and approximately four inches high. It has a little bumper on the front which tells it when it's hit something, and a tiny dust collector which you need to empty after each room.

Some grainy pictures of the Roomba in action:
http://fatpigeons.com/pictures/2004/02/roomba1.jpg
http://fatpigeons.com/pictures/2004/02/roomba2.jpg
http://fatpigeons.com/pictures/2004/02/roomba3.jpg

You set it in the middle of the room and press a button. It sings a jaunty little tune, and then starts cleaning by circling around in a spiral. After a few minutes it starts zig-zagging its way across the room, vacuuming as it goes. After about half-an-hour, it stops and sings a different tune to let you know it's finished.

An overnight charge from a wall-socket gives you about ten vacuuming cycles.

One thing it's missing is the ability to run to a wall-socket and re-charge itself when the battery runs low. To be honest, I'm surprised they didn't do this - it's perfectly feasible with today's technology and would mean I had to spend even less time worrying about vacuuming than I do at the moment. (You mean I have to actually plug it in to the wall every so often? I want my money back!)

I'm still trying to work out how it ensures it covers the entire floor. My guess is that it's got some fairly simple rules that it applies locally, and just relies on the fact that over a long enough time it's bound to have covered almost everything. Have you hit something? Turn forty-five degrees right and move on. Hit something again? You're on a wall. Head along it for a while.

Every so often it stops and does what I'm currently thinking of as "seeking" behaviour - doing a half-a-dozen spiral turns before heading off again if it hasn't hit anything.

It also has some quite smart programming to stop it getting trapped under tables - after it had tried turning through 360 degrees trying to get out from underneath a chair, it used a curving path to escape.

Not only is it cheaper than a cat (over the lifetime) it actually cleans your room for you. The perfect robotic pet.

Now - where's my flying car, god-dammit.

I am an oppressor

2009-01-30T16:34:00.016Z

I'm just back from having a read over at the Guardian of Julie Bindel's latest rant. Here's a quick summary:

Lesbianism can (and should) be a political choice

All men are evil

Now, number one on that list, I happen to agree with. At least the "can" part.

Seems like a bit of a strange choice to me - why not just love whichever sex or sexes you happen to love, and not stress about it?

But I can see that if you dislike men and the patriarchy that much, you might want to restrict your relationships to women. Fair enough. Good for you.

But then we get to the second point. I'm taking evil as shorthand for violent oppressors here - please feel free to substitute the second phrase for the first if you feel it too strong. I don't.

Here's a few phrases to show why that's the message I've taken from the article

"I also suspect that it is very difficult to spend your daily life fighting against male violence, only to share a bed with a man come the evening."

Personal opinion, no evidence to back it up - but we'll give her a pass on that one, as it's obviously flagged as just her own thought.

"We live in a culture in which rape is still an everyday reality, and yet women are blamed for it, as it is viewed as an inevitable feature of heterosexual sex."

Um. Hold on, you lost me there.

Rape is viewed as an inevitable feature of heterosexual sex? When did that happen? By who?

A vague generalisation without a source is useless.

As, for example: Piers Beckley is viewed as a better writer than Julie Bindel.

Without further evidence, it's positively misleading.

"Domestic violence is still a chronic problem for countless women in relationships with men."

And for women in relationships with women. And men in relationships with men.

Well, lookee here, it's some academic research: Apparently 40% of women in this survey had experienced violence in a same-sex relationship. Or this research gives a figure of 22% for women experiencing domestic violence in same-sex relationships.

(There's more research here, if you want it.)

Either way, it's not the "none" implied by the article.

Assuming that domestic violence moves only one way - from men towards women - doesn't help. Broken Rainbow provides help and support for LGBT people threatened by domestic violence.

"Domestic violence is still a chronic problem for countless women" is true. But when you add the words "in relationships with men", it begins to look like wilful misinterpretation.

Then again, it doesn't seem that Julie believes that academic rigour is necessary in order to make bold claims.

I, however, do.

Some people in the comments section have labelled the piece hate speech against men - and I actually think that's a fair call. Especially given her past form (trannies, in this instance).

Because it's basically: Men are evil. Become a lesbian. And there's no justification for the first of those two sentences contained in the article.

However, I don't believe that censorship is sensible, or just. I think anyone from the BNP, Flat Earthers, Conspiracy Theorists, Uncle Tom Cobbley and all should be allowed to say whatever they like.

But if what you say is basically stupid, then you deserve to be mocked. That's the corollary of Free Speech. And that's why I've taken an hour out of my day to mock this piece, which is truly stupid, and does not reflect well at all on either the writer, or whoever at the Guardian thought it worth publishing.

But then again, I would say that.

I'm an oppressor.

Letters From America: Good News For Comedy Fans

2009-01-25T19:02:00.004Z

originally sent on the 19th February, 2004
the original URL now gives no information; replaced with the copy referenced at http://www.dibbukbox.com/
--

My name was not picked out of the hat this week. I shall return each week
until they damn well do.

In the meantime, why not draw up a seat closer to the fire - yes that's
right, just there - and listen to the spine-chilling tale I like to call
"The Terror Of The Haunted Wine Cabinet".

http://www.andrew.cmu.edu/user/rubyc/eBay_dibbuk.htm

Don't have nightmares.

Oh, all right then, do.

Piers

Dear John

2009-01-14T14:38:00.004Z

Paying a reader to give you notes on your script is like paying a prostitute to give you notes on your sexual technique.

Yes, they're a professional.
Yes, they're good at what they do.
And yes, if you're just starting out there's a case to be made that advice from someone who's been around the blocks a few times is going to help.

But in the long term, both of them have a vested interest in continuing to receive your custom. And that means two things.

One: You're never going to be told you're that bad
Two: You're never going to be told you're that good.

To keep your custom, they have to always see that there's room for improvement, while also approving of your current skills and grasp of technique. Especially the techniques that they happen to like.

Now, if they're being paid by someone else to judge your work, then you can trust 'em - to a point at least.

They might not like redheads, or muscleboys, or people who dress to the left, but that's just life. If someone else is paying them to evaluate your performance and they don't like you, that's just incompatibility. Bad luck. And they can be as sharp as they like with their critique, because you never get to see it.

But if you're the one paying for the evaluation, they'd be a fool not to give you what you're asking for. Really asking for, which is recognition of the skills you've got, tips for improvement, and a haven't-you-done-well.

Whether you actually have any skills, or need any improvement.

In other words, you get what you pay for. Not necessarily what you need.

A mere 12 out of 30

2009-01-12T18:01:00.002Z

I-Spot Guide to the worst films ever.

I honestly thought I'd get more than that.

Catwoman's on the shelf at home. That'll help.

Good and Bad

2009-01-06T14:25:00.002Z

Memed by the delightful Lara to answer the following question:

"When it comes to writing, what do you know you're good at, and what aspect of writing are you worst at? (Procrastination is not permitted as either part of the answer.)"

What do I know I'm good at? Nothing, for sure yet. I'm still moving through my apprenticeship here, so there's lots of work to do in all areas.

But I've just spent the last half-hour or so going through various bits of feedback over the last couple of years, and the answer right now seems to be:

Good at: set-pieces, high concept, story.
Less good at: creating characters. (I'm fine working with other people's, but I get notes on characterisation for those I've created from scratch.)

So I guess that's what I'll be trying to improve in 2009.

Passing on the question to Gallagher, Smith, Arnopp, and Perry.

Four Year Mission...

2008-12-31T18:38:00.004Z

As previously mentioned, the quest to watch Doctor Who from beginning to end starts tomorrow, with "An Unearthly Child".

Oh, and we made a mistake with the previous calculation. At two hours a week, it'll take a nudge under four years.

If you want to join in, there's a mailing list. Just email doctor.who.mission+subscribe@fatpigeons.com, and my automatic butleroid will add you to the email list.

See you next year.

Extended Run

2008-12-27T14:01:00.004Z

Thanks to some excellent reviews and sold-out shows, I'm pleased to be able to say that A Christmas Carol has been extended through to the 11th January.

Hoorah! Merry Christmas! God bless us, every one!

Your mission, should you choose to accept it...

2008-12-21T15:48:00.004Z

I blame Paul Cornell.

On a panel at Eastercon this year, he said that he was about to commence once more the task that every true Doctor Who fan should complete at least once in their lifetime.

(A secular hajj, if you will.)

And that's to watch every broadcast episode of Doctor Who.
In order.
From the start.

Mad fools that they are, Messrs. Arnopp, Turner, and Harrison (who appears to have no bloggish presence on the Internet, alas) have agreed to join me in my quest. Outside of the three of us, I know that Una is also making the pilgrimage (and is at least three seasons ahead of us already to boot).

Sadly, the tapes to many of the earliest adventures were recorded over in the seventies. After all, who's going to want to watch an old black-and-white show when we have Colour TV now, the thinking went? And tapes were expensive...

Not put off by this, we intend to listen to the audio tapes of the missing episodes instead, in order to have the full Doctor Who experience.

Because that, by God, is the type of people we are.

If you want to race us, join in, or just watch the occasional story or two, we'd love the company.

The plan is to watch a story a week. If a story lasts for more than four episodes, we're going to round up (so you can take a fortnight to watch a six-parter, frexample).

At that rate, we should be done in less than three years.

The mission begins on the 1st January 2009.

The Only Fetish Diagram You'll Ever Need

2008-12-12T13:13:00.003Z

Click for bigness.

EDIT: Open mouth. Insert Google. Edit post. Here's the 2006 version:

Letters From America: Me And My Big Mouth

2008-12-11T17:04:00.002Z

originally sent on the 18th February, 2004
--

So there I was in a comedy club last Wednesday that's run by a
friend-of-a-friend.

And I've been talking for years about wanting to try my hand at stand-up
comedy. And another friend of mine who used to be a professional standup is
in the area this week. And I'd had a couple of Martinis.

You can see where this leads.

So if my name gets pulled out of the open-mike hat tomorrow evening (that's
about one chance in five) then at some point between 6am-8am Zulu Time on
the 19th February I shall be dying on stage.

If you're awake, think of me.

Piers

Lucid Dreaming

2008-11-30T16:28:00.002Z

As dreaming's been coming up a lot recently in blogs I read, I thought it might be a good idea to teach you all how to lucid dream.

Lucid dreaming is when you know that you're dreaming, and can control the dream. I seem to recall reading a few years back that the most popular things to do are

a) have sex
b) fly

Both of which are great fun, whether dreaming or awake.

If you're prone to nightmares and don't enjoy them, it's also a good way to jump tracks, and dream about something more fun instead.

It's actually quite easy to lucid dream, and just takes a few weeks to learn. The technique's actually very simple: you just have to learn to be aware whether you're asleep or awake.

The way you do this is by cueing yourself up to ask the question, until it becomes a force of habit. You can do it by time (once every three hours, say), or by stimulus (every time you see a door, or the sky, or any other common object).

It works like this:

You see a door.
You think to yourself: Ooh. It's a door. Am I dreaming?
You think to yourself: No, I'm not.

So, there you have it: Door / Dreaming? / No

Just get into the habit of checking every time you see a door. After a couple of weeks of this, your subconscious will now be in the habit of checking whether you're dreaming or not on a regular basis.

The next thing that will happen is this:

You see a door.
You think to yourself: Ooh. It's a door. Am I dreaming?
You think to yourself: Bloody hell, I am!

That's the first stage. Now you know you're dreaming.

You might be able to influence the dream already at this point. In this case: Off you go. Have fun.

If you find you can't influence the dream yet, not to worry. You just need to create a break in the dream - changing it from a dream you can't influence, to one where you can. And the easiest way to do that is to just change the setting.

So walk through the door. You could use anything, really: a change of landscape, a change of time, the next time you meet someone or something in the dream, all you really need to do is decide that the next change will give you control of the dream.

But, given that you've got a door there anyway, just choose what you want to be on the other side, and step through.

At this point, you'll be able to control what happens in the dream. Meet anyone you like, do anything you want, really.

I recommend flying, and sex.

A Little Knowledge

2008-11-26T13:26:00.002Z

A while back I re-watched Firefly on DVD.

It's a Western. With Spaceships.

It's also bloody marvellous, and if you can't cope with the collision of those two genres I'm sorry - but you're missing out on a fantastically well-made TV show.

(This has no relevance at all to the content of this post. I just wanted to get it off my chest before we got onto the important stuff.)

So I'm watching the episode "Out of Gas", and something's bugging me about the picture. There's a lot of strange colour in there, and more to the point, the grain on the picture - especially in the flashback sequences - is enormous.

And I'm thinking - was this shot on 16mm? I know the first two seasons of Buffy were, and that grain is so strong...

So I looked it up.

And it turns out that there are several pages on how the look-and-feel of the show was created at The American Society of Cinematographers website.

Turns out that most of the episode was shot on cross-processed Fuji 50D - basically they use processing chemicals to develop the film stock that weren't designed for it - which gives it that lovely grainy, colour-shifted look.

Another of life's little mysteries solved. Happiness ensues.

Here's why this is important for writers:

Assuming you want to become a showrunner in the long-term (and why wouldn't you?) you need to know a little about what all the department heads can do.

You're not expected to know about the details of cinematography. The DP will handle all that. But you need to know what's possible, and what's easy, and what's hard, and maybe be able to point to some examples of the-sort-of-thing you want.

A little knowledge, they say, is a dangerous thing.

But you don't have to know about the details of the process. You do need to be able to have a conversation with your cinematographer about the basics, so that they can then deliver what you want.

I always try to know enough to be dangerous.

What the Dickens

2008-11-18T10:18:00.004Z

Ooh! It's a shiny announcement!

My adaptation of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol will be playing at the Lion and Unicorn Theatre in Kentish Town this Christmas.

Previews start on the 9th of December, while the show proper opens on the 16th December and runs through till January 3rd 2009.

Good, eh?

More information and tickety-booking here.